So a couple of months ago a good friend of mine from college, who also happens to be one of my favorite gay friends (which will prove to be vital information as your read forward) asked me to consider blogging about spanking, specifically getting slapped on the ass during sex. He asked "whats up with the spank on the ass in pornos when doing it doggie style... its never happened to me, you?" For myself, I can say a smack on the ass is not a regular part of my sex life but in the interest of doing thorough research, I decided to ask my friends: straight, gay, and bisexual alike and this is what I got.
When you look at porn, girls get spanked on the ass all the time and they seem to like it. I mean their asses are bright red and marred with hand prints and yet they are still moaning and groaning over it. If it were me I wouldn't be able to sit down the next day my ass would be so bruised. As I said, a smack on the ass is not really my thing. So, I am thinking about this from my heterosexual vision of porn I am thinking that well yeah, girls get smacked on the ass all the time when they are getting it from behind and then it dawns on me... This is a gay man who is asking me this question, and when do I have this epiphany... when I am having sex with my husband. Yup right there in the middle of having sex I stop and go "OH MY GOD NOW I GET WHAT HE MEANT" (specifically the "its never happened to me, you?" part). Yup that's was me. Genius! At least I wasn't doing it doggie style at the time, I think I would have went running out of the room. I find it even funnier given the relationship this friend has always had with my husband. I guess you kind of have to be in the "know" to get that one. My husband of course, just to be an jerk, spanked my ass the next time we did it doggie style and asked how my research was coming. What an ass.
Back to the question... to spank or not to spank? For me I say no. I don't need my ass spanked during sex thank you very much. My husband will spank it on occasion when I am walking around out of nowhere, or we will spank each other to piss each other off. Spanking during sex is not something that I need, quite frankly I don't need a red ass, and I don't need my husband's hand imprinted on my ass.
OK as I said my experience with porn is straight porn, but in those porns those women's asses are bright red, so I am assuming in gay porn the same in true of the men's asses. If I am wrong please feel free to correct me but being a mom with two small children and limited time to have sex/ watch porn for my own pleasure I am not trying to find time to check out a gay porn. Sorry guys.
So off to the peanut gallery to see what they think...
Sassy Pineapple (straight single female)- To spank. Not terribly surprising... so then I ask "to spank all the time of just some of the time." she smiled coyly and replied, "all the time".
Pipes (straight married female)- So we are out for drinks when I present the question to her "To spank or not to spank?". She looks at me across the table like I am crazy and says "Are you for real? Don't spank me, I don't need to be spanked on the ass. If anyone is going to be doing the spanking it is going to be! Verdict?... Not to Spank
From my gay friends that I asked I got mixed reviews. Clearly my friend who asked the question is not down with the spanking, but my other friends were a mixed bag. One friend I am going to call Happy E said he only had one boyfriend that wanted to spank so that was when I did it. So I guess Happy E is a spanker when asked and will be spanked when requested. He is so versatile.
When I asked my bisexual and lesbian friends their responses was again mixed. One friend, the original margarita Thursday gal, commented on grabbing versus spanking saying that she loves to grab an ass or have hers grabbed instead of spanked. (Interestingly my husband also said he would rather grab my ass than spank it and that works for me)
So the general consensus is that it is up to you. If you like to get spanked get spanked and if you don't don't, and if you like to get spanked with certain people and not with others then more power to you. "To spank or not to spank?" At the end of the day it is a personal question, my ass, I don't want it spanked, grab it all you want, but don't spank it.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Sex: For love, for pleasure, to get shit done around the house
SEX...such a powerful three letter word. It can signify love, commitment, a good time. It can define women as beautiful, sexy, dirty, whore... three little letters and so much power. And then there are the ways that sex affects a relationship who gets the power, if you are married and your a woman, you do. Allelujah! For once we have the upper hand. Seriously girls your don't even have to be good at it (NO not speaking of personal experience, I even checked to make sure), every guy I have asked has agreed good or bad you can get them to do shit with the power of sex.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years and been married for 8, our longest dry spell was about 4 months because I was super pissed at him and refused to give it up. That was a couple of years ago and at the time we should have taken out stock in astro glide. But seriously, at present while not pissed I am not getting any because my husband refuses to complete basic tasks around the house. For instance mowing the back yard. He does the front but not the back (and not this is not some gross metaphor, I actually mean the yard at our house). Why on earth do you not mow the front and the back at the same time. Or do one one day and the other the next. Here's the deal when he gets his ass back in gear and starts completing tasks game on, until then he has his astroglide and I have my rabbit.It got so bad I even bartered with the ever coveted BJ, not my cup of tea, plus I gave one almost everytime we had sex for the first 2 years of our relationship considering we were in our 20's in college with no kids and no commitments and we had sex a couple times a day I think I have put in my time and am done, except for special occasion (which of course I deem special), and the man still did not get the yard done. So now me and my rabbit are going to town because the hubs can't get his shit together. SERIOUSLY!
So he bitches and moans about not getting any and still is not completing the tasks he says he will. AHHHHHH! Hunny get your shit together I have needs too and while the rabbit is good woman, like men, want SEX. Yes I can hold out longer than you can and I do in the hopes that you do the shit around the house that you are asked to do. To his credit he has finally gotten the yard taken care of, although the weeds need some serious work and sadly he as not gotten any because I have been sick for week now (I really do feel bad about that), but on the other hand he has left the kitchen a mess for three days in a row and needs to put Monkey's desk together and Bear's dresser together. I hope it gets done soon (for both of our sakes) or else me and my rabbit are going out for another date.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years and been married for 8, our longest dry spell was about 4 months because I was super pissed at him and refused to give it up. That was a couple of years ago and at the time we should have taken out stock in astro glide. But seriously, at present while not pissed I am not getting any because my husband refuses to complete basic tasks around the house. For instance mowing the back yard. He does the front but not the back (and not this is not some gross metaphor, I actually mean the yard at our house). Why on earth do you not mow the front and the back at the same time. Or do one one day and the other the next. Here's the deal when he gets his ass back in gear and starts completing tasks game on, until then he has his astroglide and I have my rabbit.It got so bad I even bartered with the ever coveted BJ, not my cup of tea, plus I gave one almost everytime we had sex for the first 2 years of our relationship considering we were in our 20's in college with no kids and no commitments and we had sex a couple times a day I think I have put in my time and am done, except for special occasion (which of course I deem special), and the man still did not get the yard done. So now me and my rabbit are going to town because the hubs can't get his shit together. SERIOUSLY!
So he bitches and moans about not getting any and still is not completing the tasks he says he will. AHHHHHH! Hunny get your shit together I have needs too and while the rabbit is good woman, like men, want SEX. Yes I can hold out longer than you can and I do in the hopes that you do the shit around the house that you are asked to do. To his credit he has finally gotten the yard taken care of, although the weeds need some serious work and sadly he as not gotten any because I have been sick for week now (I really do feel bad about that), but on the other hand he has left the kitchen a mess for three days in a row and needs to put Monkey's desk together and Bear's dresser together. I hope it gets done soon (for both of our sakes) or else me and my rabbit are going out for another date.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
New Rules of Courting in Digital Age
In talking with my single friends it is clear the rules of dating have changed in this digital age. I mean just a phone call can go to a variety of places. There is the home phone, cell phone, work phone, work cell phone I mean where the hell do you even tell a person to call. Does it depend on where and how you meet or how interested you are in the person. From there you have texting. These little messages back and forth between people which can lead to sexting, sexy little messages back and forth to each other. That plus facebook, MySpace, blogs, dating websites with winks and pokes, how does one sift through it all.
The phone... In general we have 2-4 phones (home, cell, work, work cell). In the past when one met someone they were interested in they got their number, called if interested and went out for coffee, drinks, or dinner depending on their interests. If things go really well you go out for breakfast too, but that is another topic... back to phone calls. Now it seems phone calls are almost non existent. It seems like they have been replaced by texting. So is texting the new phone call?
Since I am not dating I asked my friends and this is what I got. Phone calls are still important and necessary however texting can be an added perk, if used right. If not it is a sign disinterest or of interest in bootycall only. texting with no phone call is not a sign of true interest. Coming from a single male, if a guy is interested he will call. If he wants a booty call he will text to set up an appointment, unless it is spur of the moment then a phone call for a booty call may occur.
With the onset of Skype, which I love, we can see the people we are talking to on the phone, great for long distance relationships. I seriously wish we had this when my husband and I started dating. After the first year of our relationship we spent a year 2000 miles apart. Skype would have come in very handy. Skype can be a great resource for long distance relationships, I know friends of ours loved being able to see and talk to each other for free while studying and working in different countries. Recently I heard Skype has also taken phone sex to a whole new level when Kendra Wilkinson Baskett (Yes Kendra from Girls Next Door and Kendra) said that Skype sex helped her relationship. Well I can only imagine how awkward it would be if my husband's roommate had walked in on that. But Skype really seems like the "next" step in a relationship and in relationship technology.
Now-a-days more and more people are meeting people on dating websites and social networking sites. So on these sites you can "wink", "poke", "friend" or whatever on these sites to show your interest in someone. Your write on someones wall, post something to someones page, or send someone an email to "chat" with someone. Personally I am terified of dating sites and I am testy about social networking (I know blogging seems very contradictory) but I am weary of having strangers on the Internet and the information they can get. Random people "friending" me on FaceBook, not my thing, but apparently it is one of many ways to meet and keep in touch with people.
So once the "meet" has occurred is messaging on social networking enough. Is texting and instant messaging enough? Has keeping in touch with someone via technology replaced human interaction. The consensus among women is phone calls are necessary and while texting, emailing, and social networking are great means of "filler" communication or building blocks to a relationship all of that without a phone calls and human contact is not acceptable if the intent is to build a relationship. However, if one is looking for a booty call technology may be the way. Who knows what the future will bring. Right now we have winks, pokes, and flair; next thing you know you'll be able to give virtual blowjobs.
The phone... In general we have 2-4 phones (home, cell, work, work cell). In the past when one met someone they were interested in they got their number, called if interested and went out for coffee, drinks, or dinner depending on their interests. If things go really well you go out for breakfast too, but that is another topic... back to phone calls. Now it seems phone calls are almost non existent. It seems like they have been replaced by texting. So is texting the new phone call?
Since I am not dating I asked my friends and this is what I got. Phone calls are still important and necessary however texting can be an added perk, if used right. If not it is a sign disinterest or of interest in bootycall only. texting with no phone call is not a sign of true interest. Coming from a single male, if a guy is interested he will call. If he wants a booty call he will text to set up an appointment, unless it is spur of the moment then a phone call for a booty call may occur.
With the onset of Skype, which I love, we can see the people we are talking to on the phone, great for long distance relationships. I seriously wish we had this when my husband and I started dating. After the first year of our relationship we spent a year 2000 miles apart. Skype would have come in very handy. Skype can be a great resource for long distance relationships, I know friends of ours loved being able to see and talk to each other for free while studying and working in different countries. Recently I heard Skype has also taken phone sex to a whole new level when Kendra Wilkinson Baskett (Yes Kendra from Girls Next Door and Kendra) said that Skype sex helped her relationship. Well I can only imagine how awkward it would be if my husband's roommate had walked in on that. But Skype really seems like the "next" step in a relationship and in relationship technology.
Now-a-days more and more people are meeting people on dating websites and social networking sites. So on these sites you can "wink", "poke", "friend" or whatever on these sites to show your interest in someone. Your write on someones wall, post something to someones page, or send someone an email to "chat" with someone. Personally I am terified of dating sites and I am testy about social networking (I know blogging seems very contradictory) but I am weary of having strangers on the Internet and the information they can get. Random people "friending" me on FaceBook, not my thing, but apparently it is one of many ways to meet and keep in touch with people.
So once the "meet" has occurred is messaging on social networking enough. Is texting and instant messaging enough? Has keeping in touch with someone via technology replaced human interaction. The consensus among women is phone calls are necessary and while texting, emailing, and social networking are great means of "filler" communication or building blocks to a relationship all of that without a phone calls and human contact is not acceptable if the intent is to build a relationship. However, if one is looking for a booty call technology may be the way. Who knows what the future will bring. Right now we have winks, pokes, and flair; next thing you know you'll be able to give virtual blowjobs.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Landscape or MANscape?
Women spend all kinds of time and money grooming themselves. Be it for haircuts/colors, waxing, threading, or plucking women go to all kinds of measures to make what hair they have look fabulous and make the hair they want to get rid of go away and stay away. So why is it that women go to all of this trouble and men get to be, well men.
For instance, during the race to the Stanley Cup finals the Chicago Blackhawks decided to grow out their beards. For weeks they got hairier and hairier and we all cheered them on. Yet during the winter when I decided to stop shaving my legs for a few weeks my husband asks if I am planning on becoming a mountain man. But when my husband joined the beard brigade, did I bitch, no cause it is expected.
About a week ago my husband posted a link to a website in which a man nearly lost a testicle being waxed for charity. A few days later they talked about it on Chelsea Lately. So it made me think, should men spend more time MANSCAPING?
HELLS TO THE YA! This is not just about keeping up their haircut this is about keeping up all hair. My husband is the perfect example. He is 30 years old and he has grandpa hair on his ears and nose. YUP, that's right he has long hairs growing up the side of his ear (GROSS-- although they are fun to pull on when I am pissed at him) and he gets long grandpa hairs growing out his nose (again fun to pull out when pissed. And while he doesn't have a true unibrow he does need a little shaping and cleaning up about once a year. Now he bitches and moans about this does anyone honestly think he is going to manscape his jewels, I think not.
Well he said he would until he read the article, even asked me to ask my waxing goddess to see if she did men. She does and she reports that the balls are in fact the most sensitive and most likely place to tear away skin. The key in to pull the skin around the ball and taut as possible, because lets face it there is a lot of unneeded junk down there. I haven't met a man who has manscaped the jewels (by waxing) but from my own experience that shit hurts, and given men's tolerance for pain I doubt I will. None the less as women whether we wax, shave, or trim we take care of business down there, all we are requesting is the same.
For instance, during the race to the Stanley Cup finals the Chicago Blackhawks decided to grow out their beards. For weeks they got hairier and hairier and we all cheered them on. Yet during the winter when I decided to stop shaving my legs for a few weeks my husband asks if I am planning on becoming a mountain man. But when my husband joined the beard brigade, did I bitch, no cause it is expected.
About a week ago my husband posted a link to a website in which a man nearly lost a testicle being waxed for charity. A few days later they talked about it on Chelsea Lately. So it made me think, should men spend more time MANSCAPING?
HELLS TO THE YA! This is not just about keeping up their haircut this is about keeping up all hair. My husband is the perfect example. He is 30 years old and he has grandpa hair on his ears and nose. YUP, that's right he has long hairs growing up the side of his ear (GROSS-- although they are fun to pull on when I am pissed at him) and he gets long grandpa hairs growing out his nose (again fun to pull out when pissed. And while he doesn't have a true unibrow he does need a little shaping and cleaning up about once a year. Now he bitches and moans about this does anyone honestly think he is going to manscape his jewels, I think not.
Well he said he would until he read the article, even asked me to ask my waxing goddess to see if she did men. She does and she reports that the balls are in fact the most sensitive and most likely place to tear away skin. The key in to pull the skin around the ball and taut as possible, because lets face it there is a lot of unneeded junk down there. I haven't met a man who has manscaped the jewels (by waxing) but from my own experience that shit hurts, and given men's tolerance for pain I doubt I will. None the less as women whether we wax, shave, or trim we take care of business down there, all we are requesting is the same.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
A Make Out Short List
When SP and I were talking and consulting others on what makes a good make-up I was left with a bunch of tips that did not make the cut so here they are...
Invest in a good lip balm. Chap lips are an absolute no-no. If I feel the peely chappedness of your lips, game over
Each person has their own feelings about facial but no matter the amout, it needs to be maintained. I wax my eye brows and my lip, please show the same respect and do some basic upkeep so my face doesn't break out in a rash.
Keep a pack of gum on you at all times. Good breath is a must. To this day I will make my husband go and brush his teeth if I think he has bad breath before a make-out.
I personally, am anti-smoking, so smokey breath or smoke on your clothes is an instant turn off.
Take care of the stank... BIG, BIG NO-NO. If you smell like funk, stay the fuck away.
Hands... clean manicured. I'm not talking about metrosexual manicured here. I am talking about clean hands, clean trimmed nails. You are going to be touching my face with those hands I want them to be clean. Furthermore I am keeping an eye out cause I may be asking those hands to go on an adventure later. Dirty grimey hands are not wanted on my face, my body, and certainly not on the little lady.
Ok I think that covers the basics... Go forth and suck face!
Invest in a good lip balm. Chap lips are an absolute no-no. If I feel the peely chappedness of your lips, game over
Each person has their own feelings about facial but no matter the amout, it needs to be maintained. I wax my eye brows and my lip, please show the same respect and do some basic upkeep so my face doesn't break out in a rash.
Keep a pack of gum on you at all times. Good breath is a must. To this day I will make my husband go and brush his teeth if I think he has bad breath before a make-out.
I personally, am anti-smoking, so smokey breath or smoke on your clothes is an instant turn off.
Take care of the stank... BIG, BIG NO-NO. If you smell like funk, stay the fuck away.
Hands... clean manicured. I'm not talking about metrosexual manicured here. I am talking about clean hands, clean trimmed nails. You are going to be touching my face with those hands I want them to be clean. Furthermore I am keeping an eye out cause I may be asking those hands to go on an adventure later. Dirty grimey hands are not wanted on my face, my body, and certainly not on the little lady.
Ok I think that covers the basics... Go forth and suck face!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Oh Shit, If My Mom Finds Out...
OK, yesterday was my birthday. I am 32 years old, married with two children and a dog. I have a Master's degree and a successful career and yet I am still scared to death of my mother. A few months ago I bought the coolest pair of platform peeptoes. When I showed her a picture of them she thought that they were very cute, reasonably priced, and even asked why I didn't get them. Despite this, I knew if she knew that I had if fact bought them she would have given me hell... "You don't need any more shoes", "Stop spending money", etc., etc. The first time I wore them I wore flip flops because I was meeting my mom to hand off my kids before I went to work (she was watching them for the day) and hid them in my work bag and then changed shoes when I got to work.
Two weeks ago Sassy Pineapple and I celebrated my birthday early by going and getting new tattoos. For me it was my second tattoo. For SP, her first. So when my mom decided to make me dinner for my birthday what was I worried about... you guessed it. What the fuck was I going to do when she saw my tattoo. Or worse what would I do when my 3 year old went up to her and said "I don't like the flowers on mommy's foot" like he has been saying for the past two weeks.
So I got my first tattoo when I was 18 (for my birthday). I didn't tell my mom but she inevitabily found out about it. She was pissed. Being a good catholic all kinds of arguements were thrown out... I was going to hell, I was rash, it was a waste of money, why on earth would I mutilate my body, etc., etc. She was vocal, as she always is, and she did not approve. Well nothing has changed as I have aged. If she doesn't approve she let's loose. Her biggest point of contention... wasted money.
So, needless to say, my mom finding out about my new tattoo which is on the top of my foot and is bigger than my other tattoo is not on the top of my priority list. Actually what is on the top of my priority list is hiding it from her for as long as possible at all costs, because the lecture and bitch-fest that would ensue would be far more painful than two and a half hours of having the top of my foot tattooed.
So back to my birthday dinner... My husband was also of the mindset don't let mom know about the tattoo. He kept saying wear socks and tennis shoes. Ahh HELLO! The last time I checked it was summer and it was 85 degrees outside. Furthermore I hate wearing socks... I love ballet flats because it means I don't have to wear socks. And my mother would be totally tipped off. She knows me better than that. OK back the point. I ended up wearing a pair of Keen sandels and coyly moved my foot everytime my mom came near me.
SERIOUSLY... I am 32 years old and I am hiding shit from my mom like I did when I was in high school and living at home. When will it ever end....
Two weeks ago Sassy Pineapple and I celebrated my birthday early by going and getting new tattoos. For me it was my second tattoo. For SP, her first. So when my mom decided to make me dinner for my birthday what was I worried about... you guessed it. What the fuck was I going to do when she saw my tattoo. Or worse what would I do when my 3 year old went up to her and said "I don't like the flowers on mommy's foot" like he has been saying for the past two weeks.
So I got my first tattoo when I was 18 (for my birthday). I didn't tell my mom but she inevitabily found out about it. She was pissed. Being a good catholic all kinds of arguements were thrown out... I was going to hell, I was rash, it was a waste of money, why on earth would I mutilate my body, etc., etc. She was vocal, as she always is, and she did not approve. Well nothing has changed as I have aged. If she doesn't approve she let's loose. Her biggest point of contention... wasted money.
So, needless to say, my mom finding out about my new tattoo which is on the top of my foot and is bigger than my other tattoo is not on the top of my priority list. Actually what is on the top of my priority list is hiding it from her for as long as possible at all costs, because the lecture and bitch-fest that would ensue would be far more painful than two and a half hours of having the top of my foot tattooed.
So back to my birthday dinner... My husband was also of the mindset don't let mom know about the tattoo. He kept saying wear socks and tennis shoes. Ahh HELLO! The last time I checked it was summer and it was 85 degrees outside. Furthermore I hate wearing socks... I love ballet flats because it means I don't have to wear socks. And my mother would be totally tipped off. She knows me better than that. OK back the point. I ended up wearing a pair of Keen sandels and coyly moved my foot everytime my mom came near me.
SERIOUSLY... I am 32 years old and I am hiding shit from my mom like I did when I was in high school and living at home. When will it ever end....
Friday, June 11, 2010
I May be the Make-out Queen, But I Aint No Whore: Just because I open my mouth doesn't mean I'll open my pants!
What makes a good make-out session? Is it the kiss, the touch, what comes next, or everything in between? A good make-out session can be as good and as sensual as a good night of sex, but what makes it good? How come some guys know what to do, others don't have a clue, and others still, no matter how hard you try never get it. Sassy Pineapple and I have been asking friends and a couple of tattoo artists what makes a good make-out?
First, and foremost you need to be confident. There is nothing worse than not having the confidence to go in for the kiss in the first place. Case in point, my wonderful husband and our first kiss. We were in college (one would think between hormones, alcohol, and irresponsible youth we would be golden, but that was not the case) and our first VERY awkward kiss took place when I moved to kiss him from behind (meaning I was sitting behind him and was leaning around to kiss him) and he was leaning back to kiss me. Needless to say it was a mess. We missed each others mouths, we were at an awkward angle, it was just bad. Thank God we finally got ourselves facing each other because once we were face to face it was on.
Let me be clear, when I want to be kissed I want one of the following types of kisses, and it is your responsibility to know what I want when I want it: A) Soft sensual make-out sessions full of passion and desire; or B) Hot and heavy slam me against a wall, or throw me on a bed and kiss me until I can't remember my name. What I don't want under any circumstances is my face to be slobbered upon... When I was in high school one of my high school boyfriend's bathed my face in slobber every time we kissed. GROSS! Despite gentle coaching, the slobber fest continued. During the course of our relationship I felt like I had a constant rash around my mouth. In reality my poor mouth was chapped from all of the slobber being rubbed around my face. I swear it was like kissing a basset hound. Now I am not so vain as to let this be the sole reason for our breakup, but honestly I wasn't missing the kissing when he was gone.
On this topic, when being kissed tongue is not a requirement; however when having a good make-out session it is. Lets be clear people, Drew Barrymore said it best in the movie The Wedding Singer "not porno tongue... church tongue." Please do not go stabbing your tongue in my mouth. Don't try to choke me with it. We are not remaking the make-out version of deep throat and I am not Lindsay Lohan. Tongue should be used gently, subtly, and it should build upon itself. Slow and tentative at first building to more frequent and more dominate.
As I said in the title, just because I want a good make-out does not mean I want to have sex. And while a good make out session can lead to sex it is not a guarantee. So here are a few guidelines for your hands. While I might want your tongue in my mouth and your hands roaming my body, making out is not an invitation to break open my pants a take your hands from a probe. Thank you, but when I want the little lady explored I will send you on an expedition, until then hands off. The best way to use you hands is a soft stroke on the face, gently cupping the face in your hands as you move in for the kiss. Brushing my hair out of my eyes or off my neck and trailing gentle kisses as you move the hair aside. Trail kisses down my jaw and back to my mouth. A gentle nibble (NEVER BITE) on the lip... my preference is the upper lip (but to each there own)and most sensual place to stimulate the mouth during kissing... just under the upper lip between the lip and the gum. If you can get a zing there you will have your girl hooked (well at least this girl and sassy pineapple).
The bottomline is the most important thing is talk to your partner. If you don't like something they are doing, tell them. If you want them to do something different tell them, and if you want them to do more of the same let them know. When I am talking about sex to my teenage clients I generally tell them if you can't talk about it you shouldn't be doing it. I guess the same is true. If you can't discuss how to have a great make-out session with your partner maybe he or she isn't the right partner. And if your playing the field, when you need a towel to wipe your face after a make-out session it is time to move on.
First, and foremost you need to be confident. There is nothing worse than not having the confidence to go in for the kiss in the first place. Case in point, my wonderful husband and our first kiss. We were in college (one would think between hormones, alcohol, and irresponsible youth we would be golden, but that was not the case) and our first VERY awkward kiss took place when I moved to kiss him from behind (meaning I was sitting behind him and was leaning around to kiss him) and he was leaning back to kiss me. Needless to say it was a mess. We missed each others mouths, we were at an awkward angle, it was just bad. Thank God we finally got ourselves facing each other because once we were face to face it was on.
Let me be clear, when I want to be kissed I want one of the following types of kisses, and it is your responsibility to know what I want when I want it: A) Soft sensual make-out sessions full of passion and desire; or B) Hot and heavy slam me against a wall, or throw me on a bed and kiss me until I can't remember my name. What I don't want under any circumstances is my face to be slobbered upon... When I was in high school one of my high school boyfriend's bathed my face in slobber every time we kissed. GROSS! Despite gentle coaching, the slobber fest continued. During the course of our relationship I felt like I had a constant rash around my mouth. In reality my poor mouth was chapped from all of the slobber being rubbed around my face. I swear it was like kissing a basset hound. Now I am not so vain as to let this be the sole reason for our breakup, but honestly I wasn't missing the kissing when he was gone.
On this topic, when being kissed tongue is not a requirement; however when having a good make-out session it is. Lets be clear people, Drew Barrymore said it best in the movie The Wedding Singer "not porno tongue... church tongue." Please do not go stabbing your tongue in my mouth. Don't try to choke me with it. We are not remaking the make-out version of deep throat and I am not Lindsay Lohan. Tongue should be used gently, subtly, and it should build upon itself. Slow and tentative at first building to more frequent and more dominate.
As I said in the title, just because I want a good make-out does not mean I want to have sex. And while a good make out session can lead to sex it is not a guarantee. So here are a few guidelines for your hands. While I might want your tongue in my mouth and your hands roaming my body, making out is not an invitation to break open my pants a take your hands from a probe. Thank you, but when I want the little lady explored I will send you on an expedition, until then hands off. The best way to use you hands is a soft stroke on the face, gently cupping the face in your hands as you move in for the kiss. Brushing my hair out of my eyes or off my neck and trailing gentle kisses as you move the hair aside. Trail kisses down my jaw and back to my mouth. A gentle nibble (NEVER BITE) on the lip... my preference is the upper lip (but to each there own)and most sensual place to stimulate the mouth during kissing... just under the upper lip between the lip and the gum. If you can get a zing there you will have your girl hooked (well at least this girl and sassy pineapple).
The bottomline is the most important thing is talk to your partner. If you don't like something they are doing, tell them. If you want them to do something different tell them, and if you want them to do more of the same let them know. When I am talking about sex to my teenage clients I generally tell them if you can't talk about it you shouldn't be doing it. I guess the same is true. If you can't discuss how to have a great make-out session with your partner maybe he or she isn't the right partner. And if your playing the field, when you need a towel to wipe your face after a make-out session it is time to move on.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
A Follow-Up on Pineapple
Sadly, we have not had ample time to test this wonder fruit to find out its full sexual benefit, however what has come out of this blog topic has been the constant onslaught of sexual pineapple visuals and inferences. I swear everywhere I look I see women buying pineapple. The funniest was the 60+ year old lady in the check out lane in front of me at the fresh market one day. I sent a quick text to Sassy Pineapple who replied "Even 60 year olds need some lovin'."
Then about a week later we were watching 60 minutes and Anderson Cooper was interviewing chef Jose Andres. Well apparently he thinks fruits and veggies are the next big thing. In fact he said that fruits and vegetables are "sexier" than meat. He compared to best, juiciest, farm raised, grain fed, organic chicken breast (basically the best damn chicken in the world) to a PINEAPPLE. I nearly died I was laughing so bad.
Clearly the world is aware pineapple is the big and sexy thing!
Then about a week later we were watching 60 minutes and Anderson Cooper was interviewing chef Jose Andres. Well apparently he thinks fruits and veggies are the next big thing. In fact he said that fruits and vegetables are "sexier" than meat. He compared to best, juiciest, farm raised, grain fed, organic chicken breast (basically the best damn chicken in the world) to a PINEAPPLE. I nearly died I was laughing so bad.
Clearly the world is aware pineapple is the big and sexy thing!
Is my Leg Asleep or am I Having an Orgasm?
In true Margarita Thursday fashion, Sassy Pineapple (SP) and I discussed a good one a couple of weeks ago. Since she is on vacay right now and I am seriously missing my Margarita Thursdays I figured I would tackle this fun topic.
So everyone at one time or another has sat on their foot or slept on their hand and had it fall asleep. Suddenly you realize it is numb. You can't feel it, yet you can, and then you move it and it starts... The tingling, the pins, the needles, the sudden sense of feeling and then loss of feeling again, it goes on and on until finally you have the full sense of feeling back in you limb and all the crazy sensation overload comes to an end.
Well from time to time when sitting too long, or in a funny position we found that we and our friends had experienced our entire leg falling asleep. It is really a strange feeling as you would think that you would feel your foot falling asleep, but it doesn't really work that way. It is more like it works from the hip down. The funny thing is it also works from the hip over, meaning it works its way from the hip over to the middle of the vagina and stops... Funny how it never crosses the mid line of the body... Anyway back on topic, so then like when any other limb falls asleep, you notice it when it is numb. You can't feel it, and then you can and you notice that it is half of your vagina that is numb, then you realize "oh yeah, I can't feel my leg either..." (yes the leg is totally an after thought, I mean come on you can't feel half of your whoo ha) And then begins the total sensory overload of your body trying to right its self, and yes ladies that includes a strange, but enticing tingling in your whoo ha. As the tingling increases, fades, increases, and fades, lets face it ladies a mini O is on the way. So like any other sleepy limb, embrace the experience, hit it, rub it, or shake it out and enjoy the ride to the the mini or hopefully the BIG O!
So everyone at one time or another has sat on their foot or slept on their hand and had it fall asleep. Suddenly you realize it is numb. You can't feel it, yet you can, and then you move it and it starts... The tingling, the pins, the needles, the sudden sense of feeling and then loss of feeling again, it goes on and on until finally you have the full sense of feeling back in you limb and all the crazy sensation overload comes to an end.
Well from time to time when sitting too long, or in a funny position we found that we and our friends had experienced our entire leg falling asleep. It is really a strange feeling as you would think that you would feel your foot falling asleep, but it doesn't really work that way. It is more like it works from the hip down. The funny thing is it also works from the hip over, meaning it works its way from the hip over to the middle of the vagina and stops... Funny how it never crosses the mid line of the body... Anyway back on topic, so then like when any other limb falls asleep, you notice it when it is numb. You can't feel it, and then you can and you notice that it is half of your vagina that is numb, then you realize "oh yeah, I can't feel my leg either..." (yes the leg is totally an after thought, I mean come on you can't feel half of your whoo ha) And then begins the total sensory overload of your body trying to right its self, and yes ladies that includes a strange, but enticing tingling in your whoo ha. As the tingling increases, fades, increases, and fades, lets face it ladies a mini O is on the way. So like any other sleepy limb, embrace the experience, hit it, rub it, or shake it out and enjoy the ride to the the mini or hopefully the BIG O!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Nachos, Dragons, Rings, and Boys Locker Rooms
So I am a professional. And as a professional I have to act in a certain way, but let me tell you there are times when professionalism falls by the wayside. For instance, when I go to see a client and I am meet with the pungent smell of nacho cheese. Now let me be clear, no one is eating nachos, they smell like nachos. Just the rancid,cheesy, pungent smell of... well I don't even know. Where does a smell like that even come from. It is toxic, it makes your eyes water and your nose burn, but what do you do, your a professional so you have to work through it right? Well heaven help me...
We know that dragons breath fire, but people... Seriously. Why must you assault my nose? What the hell did I ever do to you? Just because I decide to talk to you (I admit I can be a pistol depending on the conversation) there is no need to knock me out with your breath. The odor is different from body odors and regular bad breath. You would think that the smell would dissipate in the air, it is almost like the air gives it strength and intensity then it floats out at you and strikes like at slap to the face when it hits you.
Sassy Pineapple (SP) is on vacation, but before she left she did a home visit for one of my clients. She got a hug, the client sat on her lap for a bit, and then while talking to the parent, the "rash" was brought up. The child has had a rash that has been spreading consistently. While it is being treated it has continued to spread... I have to say, I absolutely love that SP was sat on so that the rash could be spread to her prior to being told of its existence. I got quite a laugh out of it, well SP was not so amused. You might have guessed from my blog title the rash is of the wormy nature... Ring worm that is.
What is it about a boys locker room. It inevitably smells of sweat and dirty socks. Why is that? What is it about boys? Now don't get me wrong, being an athlete I have been in many a stinky girls locker room, but there is just something about a boys locker room that defies the sense of smell. Well there is that, and then there are the people who smell like the boys locker room. Seriously people, bathing every now and again is not that hard. I get that people sweat, but could we put on some deodorant. If not for your own sake then for the sake of all of the people who have to smell you throughout the day. Seriously, a little deodorant would go a long way. I really don't understand it, and I absolutely cannot bare the smell of it. And while I love Julia Roberts and Matthew McConaughey going au natural is not cool, it stinks.
When I get up each day I shower, brush my hair, brush my teeth, take care of my basic grooming needs. I wear clean clothes and by all accounts I don't smell and at the very least I try my best each day not to. Now I know there are times we all do things that make us sweaty or smelly or whatever; that is different then smelling like nacho cheese, dragon breath, and sweat and dirty socks. I expect the same good (or at the very least decent hygiene) of others. I deserve to be able to go out into the world and not have to deal with an assault on my senses, particularly my nose. Bottom line... shower, clean yourself, wear deodorant. Women shave your pits because heaven help me that is a stink fest. Brush your teeth, use mouthwash whatever... Just please take care of the smell. Oh, and if you have a rash, let the person know before you decide to sit on their lap or give them hugs, it would seriously suck if the shit spread!
We know that dragons breath fire, but people... Seriously. Why must you assault my nose? What the hell did I ever do to you? Just because I decide to talk to you (I admit I can be a pistol depending on the conversation) there is no need to knock me out with your breath. The odor is different from body odors and regular bad breath. You would think that the smell would dissipate in the air, it is almost like the air gives it strength and intensity then it floats out at you and strikes like at slap to the face when it hits you.
Sassy Pineapple (SP) is on vacation, but before she left she did a home visit for one of my clients. She got a hug, the client sat on her lap for a bit, and then while talking to the parent, the "rash" was brought up. The child has had a rash that has been spreading consistently. While it is being treated it has continued to spread... I have to say, I absolutely love that SP was sat on so that the rash could be spread to her prior to being told of its existence. I got quite a laugh out of it, well SP was not so amused. You might have guessed from my blog title the rash is of the wormy nature... Ring worm that is.
What is it about a boys locker room. It inevitably smells of sweat and dirty socks. Why is that? What is it about boys? Now don't get me wrong, being an athlete I have been in many a stinky girls locker room, but there is just something about a boys locker room that defies the sense of smell. Well there is that, and then there are the people who smell like the boys locker room. Seriously people, bathing every now and again is not that hard. I get that people sweat, but could we put on some deodorant. If not for your own sake then for the sake of all of the people who have to smell you throughout the day. Seriously, a little deodorant would go a long way. I really don't understand it, and I absolutely cannot bare the smell of it. And while I love Julia Roberts and Matthew McConaughey going au natural is not cool, it stinks.
When I get up each day I shower, brush my hair, brush my teeth, take care of my basic grooming needs. I wear clean clothes and by all accounts I don't smell and at the very least I try my best each day not to. Now I know there are times we all do things that make us sweaty or smelly or whatever; that is different then smelling like nacho cheese, dragon breath, and sweat and dirty socks. I expect the same good (or at the very least decent hygiene) of others. I deserve to be able to go out into the world and not have to deal with an assault on my senses, particularly my nose. Bottom line... shower, clean yourself, wear deodorant. Women shave your pits because heaven help me that is a stink fest. Brush your teeth, use mouthwash whatever... Just please take care of the smell. Oh, and if you have a rash, let the person know before you decide to sit on their lap or give them hugs, it would seriously suck if the shit spread!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
I'm Calling Your Brother!
Everyone knows I have done some crazy shit in my life. People know I have done some pretty stupid shit in my life. And today was no exception. I left the house this afternoon knowing I needed to get gas. As I was headed toward my destination I got a phone call from a caseworker that I work with and we began discussing a client. The long and the short of it is, I got distracted and forgot to get gas. So I am on my drive to see my client (about 30 minutes away on the freeway) when halfway there I start to notice my car acting funny. OH SHIT! Yup you guessed it. I ran out of gas on the freeway. For those of you in the Chicagoland area, my car died on 53 right before the exit for 14 at 4:45pm, which is right in the middle of rush hour. Luckily I am on the shoulder and my husband found out I could call for toll road assistance by dialing *999, something I never knew. So while I sit here waiting for roadside assistance my husband begins a rant about my stupidity. Yeah, no shit babe, I royally fucked up, I get it. But what does he do, he brings up the one other time I did this. I was 21 living in California and running late for work (no time to stop for gas), when my car dies. My brother had to come and bail me out and the lecture I got, I thought I would never hear the end of it. So as my husband continues to go on and on about how upset he is, he ends the conversation with "you know what, I'm calling your brother so he can call you and yell at you." ... GREAT!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Penis Love or Penis Envy?
Everyone knows that men love there penises. All kinds of different theorist have theories on why women envy them, but at what age does this idea of penis love really begin. Well, I would have guessed at some point in there teen years when they figure out the whole masturbation thing. I was wrong, Apparently penis love begins around the age of three.
A couple of weeks ago while changing Bear's diaper, he asks me "Mommy what's that?" pointing at his penis. I respond " I don't know what is that?" He says "Its my pee pee". I respond "Oh, OK." And then it happened the moment all men must go throw at somepoint. Bear says "I like my pee pee, I like it all the time."
Now I think the Electra complex is full of shit, so I don't women envy men's penises. Men on the other hand I think have very strong penis envy, especially when they know someone is packing more then they are. In fact I can think of one man in particular who has been vocal of his envy of my husbands package, but I really was not ready for the penis love. I really thought I would be dealing with Monkey and masturbation before having Bear tell me he "loves his pee pee all the time."
A couple of weeks ago while changing Bear's diaper, he asks me "Mommy what's that?" pointing at his penis. I respond " I don't know what is that?" He says "Its my pee pee". I respond "Oh, OK." And then it happened the moment all men must go throw at somepoint. Bear says "I like my pee pee, I like it all the time."
Now I think the Electra complex is full of shit, so I don't women envy men's penises. Men on the other hand I think have very strong penis envy, especially when they know someone is packing more then they are. In fact I can think of one man in particular who has been vocal of his envy of my husbands package, but I really was not ready for the penis love. I really thought I would be dealing with Monkey and masturbation before having Bear tell me he "loves his pee pee all the time."
Dreams
Have you ever woken up from a good dream and wanted to back to sleep so that you could finish the dream. What about those dreams that have you waking up going "did that really happen"; where it was so real you can't tell if it was a dream or if it really happened. And then there are the dreams that wake you up in a panic, not because they are nightmares but because the content is so crazy you can't believe it actually happened...
When I am abruptly awaken from the dream where I am getting generously attended to, reaching orgasm after orgasm, where the sex is too good to be real; I promptly throw the covers over my head, closed my and fiercely tell myself to go back to sleep, GO BACK TO SLEEP. Why oh why must my dream have ended and, why oh why can I not get back to the place I left off....
The other day I am talking to Sassy Pineapple (SP) and she tells that while at her friends house her friend's husband made a comment about how SP has really soft lips. Sassy Pineapple was like "OK, yeah, thanks..." She said the next morning she got a call from her friend who said, her "husband was right she does have soft lips." Sassy Pineapple was like, "Umm Thanks!.... Wait WHAT?!" That was when her friend told her about her dream... Apparently the night before her friend had had a dream that she was messing around with some faceless man and was making out and when she pulled back she was kissing Sassy Pineapple, one of her best friends who apparently has very soft lips.
One can imagine it is hard to tell your friend I just dreamt that I was making out with/ having sex with you; Right? So how do you tell your friend? And which is worse, same sex or opposite sex dreams (that might depend on sexuality), or does it even matter?
In my case I had dreamt that I was having great sex, mid orgasm, eyes glazed over I realized it was one of my best friends doing the deed and not my husband, Dave Matthews, or David Beckham. Nope, it was one of my best (female) friends. AWKWARD! Well, the next time I saw her it was definitely awkward but we laughed over it, she took pride in being good, and it was done with. I guess if I ever decide to switch teams she is the first person I want to be with because my dream was really good.
Then last night I had this crazy dream, and no this crazy dream is not about sex... I had gone out somewhere and someone came up to me and began commenting on my makeup. Now there are a few things that I love in life: shoes, purses, and makeup. So I am thinking I am going to get a compliment on my eye shadow or lipstick or something. NOPE! The person in my dream begins to tell me how I have sharp makeup line at my chin line showing the difference between my regular skin and my makeup. She told me my makeup look overdone and caked on. While she is telling me this I am looking at her mouth dropped open searching for something to say, to argue...No it doesn't... I use power makeup so that I don't get a makeup line...I pick natural colors...I don't even wear that much makeup... And then she does it, she says the one thing that can make the dream become a nightmare, She tells me I look like Tammy Faye Baker, and I wake up in a full on panic attack. When I go in the bathroom to make sure I look like myself I am a bit shaken... I didn't quite get all of my eye makeup off last night and I have big black smudges of eye liner and mascara around my eyes. As I do a double take I realize that while I look a bit like a raccoon, I still look like me. Thank God!
Dreams are funny things... sometimes they are part fantasy and part nightmare and at times they are just full on crazy.
When I am abruptly awaken from the dream where I am getting generously attended to, reaching orgasm after orgasm, where the sex is too good to be real; I promptly throw the covers over my head, closed my and fiercely tell myself to go back to sleep, GO BACK TO SLEEP. Why oh why must my dream have ended and, why oh why can I not get back to the place I left off....
The other day I am talking to Sassy Pineapple (SP) and she tells that while at her friends house her friend's husband made a comment about how SP has really soft lips. Sassy Pineapple was like "OK, yeah, thanks..." She said the next morning she got a call from her friend who said, her "husband was right she does have soft lips." Sassy Pineapple was like, "Umm Thanks!.... Wait WHAT?!" That was when her friend told her about her dream... Apparently the night before her friend had had a dream that she was messing around with some faceless man and was making out and when she pulled back she was kissing Sassy Pineapple, one of her best friends who apparently has very soft lips.
One can imagine it is hard to tell your friend I just dreamt that I was making out with/ having sex with you; Right? So how do you tell your friend? And which is worse, same sex or opposite sex dreams (that might depend on sexuality), or does it even matter?
In my case I had dreamt that I was having great sex, mid orgasm, eyes glazed over I realized it was one of my best friends doing the deed and not my husband, Dave Matthews, or David Beckham. Nope, it was one of my best (female) friends. AWKWARD! Well, the next time I saw her it was definitely awkward but we laughed over it, she took pride in being good, and it was done with. I guess if I ever decide to switch teams she is the first person I want to be with because my dream was really good.
Then last night I had this crazy dream, and no this crazy dream is not about sex... I had gone out somewhere and someone came up to me and began commenting on my makeup. Now there are a few things that I love in life: shoes, purses, and makeup. So I am thinking I am going to get a compliment on my eye shadow or lipstick or something. NOPE! The person in my dream begins to tell me how I have sharp makeup line at my chin line showing the difference between my regular skin and my makeup. She told me my makeup look overdone and caked on. While she is telling me this I am looking at her mouth dropped open searching for something to say, to argue...No it doesn't... I use power makeup so that I don't get a makeup line...I pick natural colors...I don't even wear that much makeup... And then she does it, she says the one thing that can make the dream become a nightmare, She tells me I look like Tammy Faye Baker, and I wake up in a full on panic attack. When I go in the bathroom to make sure I look like myself I am a bit shaken... I didn't quite get all of my eye makeup off last night and I have big black smudges of eye liner and mascara around my eyes. As I do a double take I realize that while I look a bit like a raccoon, I still look like me. Thank God!
Dreams are funny things... sometimes they are part fantasy and part nightmare and at times they are just full on crazy.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Sitting Around Twiddling Our Thumbs or Something Like That
One of my greatest frustrations in life are the idiots of the world who think that I sit around all day twiddling my thumbs waiting for something to do. Guess what jackasses, I don't! I have a fucking life and I have a ton of fucking work to get done so, no, I am not waiting around fucking myself until you decide to drop me a line, send me a message, or decided now is a good time for me to call you or do something for you. Case in point, Sassy Pineapple and I were talking and apparently one of our mutual clients who has not called in month, for fear either of us will open a can of whup-ass on him, called and left her a message... Here is my new number and by the way I am off today. Look jackass you may be off today but we are not. You have not made one attempt to find out the well being of your kid for the pass three months but I am going to drop everything and be sure to give you a call because you are off today... First, where have you been for three months, and second, what is it that you think I am doing right now? Sitting at my desk fingering myself, waiting for your call. Or as Sassy Pineapple put it flicking my bean. Wrong! I have been from one side of the city to the other and back, so no the fact that today is your day off is not registering on my radar. I will get back to you within a profession 24-48 hours so until then SUCK IT!
This is just one example, but I see them all the time, people think that because I am working from home, or don't start seeing clients until later in the day I am sitting around like Peg Bundy watching TV and eating bon bons. NEWS FLASH... I am not eating bon bons, I am not napping, I am fingering myself at my desk. I am trying to get all of my shit done, you know the 20 million things have have to get done for each case each week, like notes, billing, court reports, therapy progress reports, etc. If by some freak miracle I am able to get everything done in a week and not have to deal with the overflow from the week before, maybe, just maybe, I will take a break head into the bathroom and steal a few minutes away with my favorite vibrator, but until that day comes (and in the 8 years I have been in this profession it hasn't come yet) I am busy working and will get back to you on my schedule not yours so FUCK OFF!
This is just one example, but I see them all the time, people think that because I am working from home, or don't start seeing clients until later in the day I am sitting around like Peg Bundy watching TV and eating bon bons. NEWS FLASH... I am not eating bon bons, I am not napping, I am fingering myself at my desk. I am trying to get all of my shit done, you know the 20 million things have have to get done for each case each week, like notes, billing, court reports, therapy progress reports, etc. If by some freak miracle I am able to get everything done in a week and not have to deal with the overflow from the week before, maybe, just maybe, I will take a break head into the bathroom and steal a few minutes away with my favorite vibrator, but until that day comes (and in the 8 years I have been in this profession it hasn't come yet) I am busy working and will get back to you on my schedule not yours so FUCK OFF!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Who Lives in a Pineapple Under the Sea...
Not Spongebob... Sassy Pineapple brought me a topic to blog about, apparently she and her friends want to know pineapple: fact or fiction. For those of you who are confused right now, we are talking about spunk people. Rumor has it that pineapple improves the flavor of men's semen, so is this fact of fiction? I, for one, don't know. Despite what some friends think the BJ is is SOOO not my thing. It is not that I am opposed to it in general, I mean it certainly is not my favorite ( Yes God created man, this beautiful specimen like the David, but seriously balls on the outside, big mistake. YUCK!), in my case the biggest issue is time. As I have stated before in previous entries, my husband is not a minute man, more like a twenty minute man, and a twenty minute BJ is a VERY LONG TIME.
OK back to the pineapple... Sassy Pineapple (named for both her sassy attitude and this lovely pineapple story) and I have been talking about whether or not there is any truth to this theory. So I asked my husband. His first response was that he was willing to be a test subject, I mean it is for the sake of science. When I let Sassy Pineapple know she promptly texted me that pineapple is currently on sale at Jewel. My response, he may be willing, but I am not sure I am willing to get TMJ in the name of science and blogging.
According to my husband all citrus fruits improve spunk (apparently he has researched this in an attempt to get me to spent more time on the BJ) while certain veggies like asparagus and broccoli have the opposite effect. As Sassy Pineapple put it, if asparagus does to spunk what it does to your pee then stay away. While out tonight for Margarita Thursday Sassy Pineapple and I were talking about the topic and she thought it would be funny if I came home and a pineapple was sitting on my pillow, well if you read my earlier blog entry then you know, there was no pineapple on the pillow tonight.
So we will have to wait and see if the rumors about pineapple are fact or fiction...
OK back to the pineapple... Sassy Pineapple (named for both her sassy attitude and this lovely pineapple story) and I have been talking about whether or not there is any truth to this theory. So I asked my husband. His first response was that he was willing to be a test subject, I mean it is for the sake of science. When I let Sassy Pineapple know she promptly texted me that pineapple is currently on sale at Jewel. My response, he may be willing, but I am not sure I am willing to get TMJ in the name of science and blogging.
According to my husband all citrus fruits improve spunk (apparently he has researched this in an attempt to get me to spent more time on the BJ) while certain veggies like asparagus and broccoli have the opposite effect. As Sassy Pineapple put it, if asparagus does to spunk what it does to your pee then stay away. While out tonight for Margarita Thursday Sassy Pineapple and I were talking about the topic and she thought it would be funny if I came home and a pineapple was sitting on my pillow, well if you read my earlier blog entry then you know, there was no pineapple on the pillow tonight.
So we will have to wait and see if the rumors about pineapple are fact or fiction...
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Bedazzled Little Lady
About a week or two ago I was watching Chelsea Lately (my fav) and Jennifer Love Hewitt (JLH) was the guest. She was there to promote her new book and during the interview JLH talked about how she had gotten her hoo-ha vagazzled. That's right she bedazzled the little lady with Swarovski crystals. Now to clarify this is done on the pillow top (cleanly waxed-- see etiquette entry), because anything else would be just painful, and apparently you can have just about anything done. In the interview JLH give examples of hearts, an arrow leading the way, or a fun little message for your partner. She goes on to say that it makes you feel quite sexy when you get it done stating that you kind of want to show it to everyone that you meet after you do it but you shouldn't. So this led me to think, what would I put if I were to VAGAZZLE?
My friend who is currently pregnant asked her husband and he said she should put "closed for repairs" or "closed due to infestation." While cute, no man would ever want to enter and that would defeat the purpose of having a pretty hoo-ha, especially during those extra horny pregnancy months.
Another friend suggests "keep off the grass" or "no solicitors." If you want to express you sexuality or sexual preferences you could put "girls only", "boys only", or "boys and girls welcome."
I am somewhat partial to hearts and arrows. However since I know that my friskiness is related to how I feel about my husband (i.e. am I pissed at him or not) that may influence what I would put. If I were mad I would probably put "closed", "back off," or "no admittance." If I were happy with him I would probably put some sort of pattern leading the way, "happy trail" written vertically, "come get some", "lick me", etc.
During Margarita Thursday conversation, my friend (who will hence forth be known as Sassy Pineapple - a rationale for this will be explained in a future entry), and I were trying to think of what other fun things could be written... "cum here" or if you use the pull out method "DON'T cum here." And you could create a very low tramp stamp that says "EXIT ONLY", or if you happen to be of that persuasion, "enter here." The possibilities are endless...
So don't Bedazzle... VAGAZZLE!
My friend who is currently pregnant asked her husband and he said she should put "closed for repairs" or "closed due to infestation." While cute, no man would ever want to enter and that would defeat the purpose of having a pretty hoo-ha, especially during those extra horny pregnancy months.
Another friend suggests "keep off the grass" or "no solicitors." If you want to express you sexuality or sexual preferences you could put "girls only", "boys only", or "boys and girls welcome."
I am somewhat partial to hearts and arrows. However since I know that my friskiness is related to how I feel about my husband (i.e. am I pissed at him or not) that may influence what I would put. If I were mad I would probably put "closed", "back off," or "no admittance." If I were happy with him I would probably put some sort of pattern leading the way, "happy trail" written vertically, "come get some", "lick me", etc.
During Margarita Thursday conversation, my friend (who will hence forth be known as Sassy Pineapple - a rationale for this will be explained in a future entry), and I were trying to think of what other fun things could be written... "cum here" or if you use the pull out method "DON'T cum here." And you could create a very low tramp stamp that says "EXIT ONLY", or if you happen to be of that persuasion, "enter here." The possibilities are endless...
So don't Bedazzle... VAGAZZLE!
Light Weight
What do you do when you have been planning for a night of sexy time with your partner and you get home you find out your plans have be thwarted? Well hello to my night. Thursdays are my girls night out, aka Margarita Thursdays and since I new I would be going out tonight, I had been having some sexy texting with my husband; several innuendos about what was to come when I got home. I joked about having an extra drink, because I get frisky when I am tipsy, and he joked about positions. The stage was set, or so I thought.
When I get home, I walk in, go upstairs, walk into my room and find monkey in my bed. Ummm, not cool and definitely not sexy. Apparently he is having bad dreams... I don't care, go in your room and go to bed, I want sexy time. No such luck. When I finally get him in his bed and head back to my room, my husband is missing. The next thing I hear is my son singing in his room and my husband throwing up in the bathroom. Seriously?! Clearly I am not getting any tonight. I go and ask my husband if he is OK and he tells me he is just "drunk." Drunk? "Yeah, I drank half a bottle of wine." Vomit... So I guess since Monkey is still up singing in his bed, the hubby is puking in the bathroom, I am headed out to the car to put my foot up on the dash.
When I get home, I walk in, go upstairs, walk into my room and find monkey in my bed. Ummm, not cool and definitely not sexy. Apparently he is having bad dreams... I don't care, go in your room and go to bed, I want sexy time. No such luck. When I finally get him in his bed and head back to my room, my husband is missing. The next thing I hear is my son singing in his room and my husband throwing up in the bathroom. Seriously?! Clearly I am not getting any tonight. I go and ask my husband if he is OK and he tells me he is just "drunk." Drunk? "Yeah, I drank half a bottle of wine." Vomit... So I guess since Monkey is still up singing in his bed, the hubby is puking in the bathroom, I am headed out to the car to put my foot up on the dash.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
P-O-O-P... Poop!
What is it with a child's fascination with poop. We are currently potty training our two year old son Bear so dealing with potty issues are a daily occurrence in our home. Today while out shopping, Bear announced to the store (Gymboree), "Mommy, I got poop!" As we walked through the store to leave, he announced two more times, "I got poop!" We then walked two stores down to the bookstore so that we could change his pull up. On the way he continued to tell people... " Mommy, I got poop! Let's go change my butt." And through the bookstore, " I got poop!" Now let me be clear, I am not ignoring my child, I am in fact, after each announcement telling him calmly that we are headed to the bathroom so we can change his pull up. I am also smiling at all of the people staring at us as we walk through the stores and listening to Monkey laugh at the fact that his brother keeps talking about his poop. So what is it with poop? For those who know what Bear has gone through with his allergies in his short little life, know that poop has been a horrific ordeal. So it is somewhat understandable that he would be in a hurry to get rid of the poop, but do we really have to announce it to everyone?
Now I am an only child, I am obviously a girl, and I find no fascination with poop. I do my business, maybe read a magazine article or two while doing it, but I do and I'm done. I don't share what it was like, how big it was, how it clogged the toilet, what it was shaped like, etc. Now maybe this is a boy thing, like I said I am a girl so I have no idea, but in my house of boys, poops seem to be quite the fascinating subject. This may also be a family thing, again lets be clear NOT MY FAMILY THING, AN IN LAW THING! For instance, my husband is know throughout the family, both mine and his, for being the clogger of the toilets. Be warned if you have us over and a toilet ends up clogged, it was probably him. When we visit his parents it is some big joke... how many toilets will the hubby clog. And then when he inevitably clogs one, my nephews, husband, and father in law debate about who has the biggest shits. SERIOUSLY! I mean really, instead of having this gross conversation can they please shell out a few hundred dollars and install a 30 golf ball flusher like we did.
Now I am an only child, I am obviously a girl, and I find no fascination with poop. I do my business, maybe read a magazine article or two while doing it, but I do and I'm done. I don't share what it was like, how big it was, how it clogged the toilet, what it was shaped like, etc. Now maybe this is a boy thing, like I said I am a girl so I have no idea, but in my house of boys, poops seem to be quite the fascinating subject. This may also be a family thing, again lets be clear NOT MY FAMILY THING, AN IN LAW THING! For instance, my husband is know throughout the family, both mine and his, for being the clogger of the toilets. Be warned if you have us over and a toilet ends up clogged, it was probably him. When we visit his parents it is some big joke... how many toilets will the hubby clog. And then when he inevitably clogs one, my nephews, husband, and father in law debate about who has the biggest shits. SERIOUSLY! I mean really, instead of having this gross conversation can they please shell out a few hundred dollars and install a 30 golf ball flusher like we did.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Love Thy Self
Last Thursday night, Margarita Thursday, my friend and I were out getting our drink on when we started talking about the differences between male and female masturbation. So we all know men masturbate, I mean they openly admit to it, they joke about how often they do it, and once in a serious relationship or married they bitch about how often they have to do it instead of getting the actual thing. Women on the other hand are coy about the subject, unless of course your Chelsea Handler (again props to my favorite comedian). For women it is more of a do we or don't we? Often, do we do it often? Well how do we do it often if we can't even admit to doing it at all. And how often is too often? For men we all know there is no such thing as too often, for woman are the rules different?
When it comes to masturbation, women are full of shit... Seriously ladies lets be honest with ourselves and our girlfriends. We all do it, most of us have lied about it at one point or another, but we have all done it, and enjoyed it. So face it, if you are the one who continues to tell people that you don't, then you are the one doing it more than anyone else (more power to you but know, we all know that you are doing it and doing it a lot).
When I have talked to my girlfriends about masturbation our conversations have been anything but coy. They have been more along the lines of which vibrators are the best... which get the best battery life, which are the quietest (for those of use with kids who need a quick mommy de-stress moment), waterproof vs. non-water proof, clitoral stimulation vs non-clitoral stimulation... you get my point. When my girlfriends talk masturbation it is shop talk. I suppose it is kind of like a group of guys talking about cars... makes, models, what the ride is like, etc. So why is it so hard for women to talk like this?
As we were talking Thursday night, my friend mention how she had heard some girl make reference to how she could get the job done in the car. SERIOUSLY, is she in cirque du soleil or something? Apparently, because according to my friend this highly flexible lady was able to somehow manage to prop one leg up on the dash while driving to get the job done. Are you kidding me? First of all I don't think I could bend this way if I tried. Second of all, I worry about people looking at me if I adjust my nose ring or pick a booger, the idea of some random person watching me get off, not my thing. Thirdly, Oprah is worried about people talking on the phone and texting while driving... I don't know about you but taking care of business takes a lot more of my attention then talking on the phone or texting. How on earth did this circus freak not crash the car she was driving while getting off. This has to be an urban legend... you know the girl who can masturbate while driving.
So the bottom line is: men masturbate (I am man I get off); women masturbate (we may be coy about it but we all do it). Seriously ladies relax, start talking about it, the more you talk about it, the more fun you will have. And finally if you hear about the circus freak who can get off while driving, just know that whoever it is that knows her is full of it. She is just an urban legend, I mean she has to be, right?
When it comes to masturbation, women are full of shit... Seriously ladies lets be honest with ourselves and our girlfriends. We all do it, most of us have lied about it at one point or another, but we have all done it, and enjoyed it. So face it, if you are the one who continues to tell people that you don't, then you are the one doing it more than anyone else (more power to you but know, we all know that you are doing it and doing it a lot).
When I have talked to my girlfriends about masturbation our conversations have been anything but coy. They have been more along the lines of which vibrators are the best... which get the best battery life, which are the quietest (for those of use with kids who need a quick mommy de-stress moment), waterproof vs. non-water proof, clitoral stimulation vs non-clitoral stimulation... you get my point. When my girlfriends talk masturbation it is shop talk. I suppose it is kind of like a group of guys talking about cars... makes, models, what the ride is like, etc. So why is it so hard for women to talk like this?
As we were talking Thursday night, my friend mention how she had heard some girl make reference to how she could get the job done in the car. SERIOUSLY, is she in cirque du soleil or something? Apparently, because according to my friend this highly flexible lady was able to somehow manage to prop one leg up on the dash while driving to get the job done. Are you kidding me? First of all I don't think I could bend this way if I tried. Second of all, I worry about people looking at me if I adjust my nose ring or pick a booger, the idea of some random person watching me get off, not my thing. Thirdly, Oprah is worried about people talking on the phone and texting while driving... I don't know about you but taking care of business takes a lot more of my attention then talking on the phone or texting. How on earth did this circus freak not crash the car she was driving while getting off. This has to be an urban legend... you know the girl who can masturbate while driving.
So the bottom line is: men masturbate (I am man I get off); women masturbate (we may be coy about it but we all do it). Seriously ladies relax, start talking about it, the more you talk about it, the more fun you will have. And finally if you hear about the circus freak who can get off while driving, just know that whoever it is that knows her is full of it. She is just an urban legend, I mean she has to be, right?
Rings
So once again I find myself having lunch with some friends. We are hanging out, talking, and having a grand old time. As we are talking, one brings up a wedding she recently attended and out of nowhere my other friend shoots out some remark about cock rings. EXCUSE ME, WHAT?! Now keep in both of these girls were born when I was in kindergarten, so I guess I expect some innocence from them. Realistically this is crap because they are both snarky bitches just like me. I mean, that is what I love about them. So of course I have to get the details, I mean you can't just drop a cock ring into a conversation and leave it there with no details.
Apparently, in preparation for the bachelorette party my one friend was attending prior to the wedding, the two made a trip to a local novelty shop. Now I use novelty shop not to be PC about the whole thing, but because this is a chain shop, that is really on the mild end of the whole sex shop experience. It is kind of like the kiddy pool of sex shops. For instance while in college there was a sex shop in town aptly nick-named the wack-shack because it was a seedy hole in the wall porn shop with a back room kind of a place. The place my friends went is not even close. It is well lit, you aren't running for cover hoping no one sees you go in. If you see others inside you don't deliberately avoid eye contact for fear they will cum on you. No, this is clean, with normal well dressed people; people who will make their purchases and discretely get off later. Anyway back to their story...
So as I listen to the girls, they are telling me about how they went in to get one thing, which at this point totally escapes my mind. I honestly have no idea what it was... My one friend says we walked in and I looked up and all I saw was a wall of cock rings. Ok, so I am laughing hysterically at this point. As they are telling me about this I picture to young girls hand in hand staring at the big scary wall of cock rings in horror. I mean wide eyed, mouths open wanting to scream, but the sound won't come out. Again, why do I picture them like this, I'm not really sure but I do, and honestly it makes the whole conversation that much more funny for me. It was sort of like hearing about a friends' first sexual experience. It is kind of awkward, kind of scary, never exactly what you expect. That is exactly what this conversation was like.
So later that week, my Thursday night drink night partner in crime and cock ring bomb dropper went for drinks and continued the conversation. This led me to bring up a conversation I had had some time ago with my bestie from high school about cock rings. Apparently she highly recommends the BUZZY cock ring. I honestly don't know if that is what it is actually called or if that is what she named it because it buzzes, but apparently it is quite good for both partners. So as we talk about this and how cock rings can be useful, especially to those who have have short performances, I mention that cock rings are probably the last form of sex toy that I would experiment with. Now let have a short side bar here to tell my husband: I love you very much so get over having me talk about your penis and our sex life. Ok now that is done, I told her about how keeping it up or keeping it going is the least of our worries. In fact if I could find a way to make it shorter I would be all over that. I mean I love that I can always get 20 minutes of good sex and I do mean good sex, but seriously after a half an hour I start to loose interest. Now I am a very lucky and satisfied woman. My husband has always made sure to take care of me first, but I am just not programmed to go for hours. Yes, I said hours. My friend looked at me like I was crazy, and to be honest most of my friends do when we have this conversation. Yes my husband can go hours he has a horrible recovery time but her can go hours. But as we are talking, we agree hours are not happening. I mean we have things to do...It gets boring...and let's be honest, after a while it can hurt. I know I should stop complaining because I really do have it good. My husband loves me, he loves to have sex, the sex is good, he always makes sure I get off first, second, and third, and he has length and girth on his side, but seriously hours... I can't do it. So cock rings will never be our thing. But for everyone else apparently the buzzy cock ring is the one to try!
Apparently, in preparation for the bachelorette party my one friend was attending prior to the wedding, the two made a trip to a local novelty shop. Now I use novelty shop not to be PC about the whole thing, but because this is a chain shop, that is really on the mild end of the whole sex shop experience. It is kind of like the kiddy pool of sex shops. For instance while in college there was a sex shop in town aptly nick-named the wack-shack because it was a seedy hole in the wall porn shop with a back room kind of a place. The place my friends went is not even close. It is well lit, you aren't running for cover hoping no one sees you go in. If you see others inside you don't deliberately avoid eye contact for fear they will cum on you. No, this is clean, with normal well dressed people; people who will make their purchases and discretely get off later. Anyway back to their story...
So as I listen to the girls, they are telling me about how they went in to get one thing, which at this point totally escapes my mind. I honestly have no idea what it was... My one friend says we walked in and I looked up and all I saw was a wall of cock rings. Ok, so I am laughing hysterically at this point. As they are telling me about this I picture to young girls hand in hand staring at the big scary wall of cock rings in horror. I mean wide eyed, mouths open wanting to scream, but the sound won't come out. Again, why do I picture them like this, I'm not really sure but I do, and honestly it makes the whole conversation that much more funny for me. It was sort of like hearing about a friends' first sexual experience. It is kind of awkward, kind of scary, never exactly what you expect. That is exactly what this conversation was like.
So later that week, my Thursday night drink night partner in crime and cock ring bomb dropper went for drinks and continued the conversation. This led me to bring up a conversation I had had some time ago with my bestie from high school about cock rings. Apparently she highly recommends the BUZZY cock ring. I honestly don't know if that is what it is actually called or if that is what she named it because it buzzes, but apparently it is quite good for both partners. So as we talk about this and how cock rings can be useful, especially to those who have have short performances, I mention that cock rings are probably the last form of sex toy that I would experiment with. Now let have a short side bar here to tell my husband: I love you very much so get over having me talk about your penis and our sex life. Ok now that is done, I told her about how keeping it up or keeping it going is the least of our worries. In fact if I could find a way to make it shorter I would be all over that. I mean I love that I can always get 20 minutes of good sex and I do mean good sex, but seriously after a half an hour I start to loose interest. Now I am a very lucky and satisfied woman. My husband has always made sure to take care of me first, but I am just not programmed to go for hours. Yes, I said hours. My friend looked at me like I was crazy, and to be honest most of my friends do when we have this conversation. Yes my husband can go hours he has a horrible recovery time but her can go hours. But as we are talking, we agree hours are not happening. I mean we have things to do...It gets boring...and let's be honest, after a while it can hurt. I know I should stop complaining because I really do have it good. My husband loves me, he loves to have sex, the sex is good, he always makes sure I get off first, second, and third, and he has length and girth on his side, but seriously hours... I can't do it. So cock rings will never be our thing. But for everyone else apparently the buzzy cock ring is the one to try!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
OMG, BFF, LOL, LMAO, ROFL... Seriously people WTF
Can someone please explain to me the need for all of the abbreviations. I mean I get the need to abbreviate things when texting, it is quicker, less characters, etc. But do we really need to use these things in our daily life. OMG-- Oh my God, ok using the Lords name could be offensive to some, but seriously "OMG can you believe this or that" "OMG he/she was so hot." Really! And is it necessary that I refer to my best friend as my BFF when talking to others. Isn't it enough to say "my friend or my best friend?" Why my BFF? I mean what am I Paris Hilton? I last time I checked I was not a super tall blond bimbo with ginormous feet.
Now on to laughing... LOL, laughing out loud. Sure I do it, and I have texted it, but say it in conversation. LMAO, laughing my ass off, SERIOUSLY! If that were possible I would look like Heidi Klum. Which brings me to ROFL. I actually had to ask a friend if I had this abbreviation right because every time I look at it if reminds me of a dog barking. My friends know that I find humor in most things, and when I laugh it often gets the best of me, but even I cannot remember the last time I was rolling on the floor laughing.
So what the fuck, WTF. When will it all end...
Now on to laughing... LOL, laughing out loud. Sure I do it, and I have texted it, but say it in conversation. LMAO, laughing my ass off, SERIOUSLY! If that were possible I would look like Heidi Klum. Which brings me to ROFL. I actually had to ask a friend if I had this abbreviation right because every time I look at it if reminds me of a dog barking. My friends know that I find humor in most things, and when I laugh it often gets the best of me, but even I cannot remember the last time I was rolling on the floor laughing.
So what the fuck, WTF. When will it all end...
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Etiquette
So a couple of weeks ago I was having lunch with a couple of my girlfriends and we started talking how the weather was getting warmer and it was time to bring out the sandals, skirts, and dresses. Given that winter in the Midwest can feel like winter in Siberia, legs and feet go into hibernation. Prior to spring there are specific grooming needs that must be attended to prior to coming out for spring, namely a pedi and a good leg shaving. So as we show each other our scary cave woman legs we start talking about how we maintain; shaving vs. waxing vs. threading, etc. (Note: the threading discussion was strictly with regards to facial hair. I mean seriously people waxing is torture enough, having to have each individual leg hair pulled out... we can leave that to Dick Cheney who believes in military torture). So as I discuss my need to make an appointment to have my legs waxed prior to Easter (I was planning to wear a skirt) a whole new discussion emerged.
I have had my legs waxed a few times before but it had been years since the last time I had them waxed until this past February. As I shared this with my friends I knew the pending question that was looming in the air. Why did I get them done in February?... "It was my Valentine's Day/ Birthday gift to my husband".... Huh?... "Well I figured if I was going to get my lower bits done I might as well get my legs done as well"... Seriously?... "Yes"... Doesn't that hurt?... "Yes! it hurts a lot, but it has its benefits. I mean I did it as I gift for my husband and low and behold I got a present out of it too (Definitely worth it!)"... So what's the protocol for that, I mean do you shower first?... "I don't know? I did...."
Later that week one of my friends and I went out for drinks and she admitted that she is now very intrigued and may have to go and get waxed. Well this conversation made me think about what is the etiquette for going in to get your wax on. I think the bottom line is, it's the same as you would go through before going to see the gynecologist minus the grooming, because obviously that is why you are there.
But is their other Etiquette, because lets face it, that shit hurts. Can you scream? What do you do if you have to fart? There you are lying on a table having someone spread hot wax on your, in the words of my fav comedian Chelsea Handler, coslopus and then ripping the hair off of it. Pulling your lip this way and that, moving your leg here and there to get a better angle, and finally the creme de la creme the BUTT. Yup, depending on the wax you get the butt is part of the package and let me tell you lying on your side holding your butt cheeks apart is not only highly uncomfortable it is a whole new level of let me show you my bits. On the up side it is the least painful of the whole waxing experience, but clearly the most awkward.
I think the best solution is to have someone you like and who makes you feel comfortable. I got lucky, my first full service wax was done by a pro who kept me talking and laughing the whole time. Despite the posh feel of spa she told me I was free to yell if I needed to, cause she knew it hurt. She let me know when it would hurt the most and when I was almost done. It was kind of like being coached through the whole thing and best of all she was funny. She talked to me about getting into waxing and about how when she started they didn't do the full service wax. She even said that once while in school she left crying and telling her teacher that if she had another pube touch her that did not belong to her or someone she is sleeping with she was going to go crazy. Her humor put me at ease and while it did not ease the pain it made the situation less uncomfortable.
So here is my basic etiquette for waxing:
1. Clean as you would for a trip for to the gynecologist
2. Find someone who makes you feel comfortable because they are going to see all of your junk and then some.
3. Scream if you want, what is the worst that could happen?
4. Be kind and clean you behind.
5. Give notice if you think you are going to fart. There is nothing worst than farting in the face of someone who is inches away wielding wax and ripping out hair in highly sensitive areas (you wouldn't want to piss that person off. And NO I did NOT do this. This is a basic people).
6. Bring baby wipes. They help for the last minute pre-clean and they can be helpful after, especially if you are going somewhere, you tend to be a bit sticky despite the wax remover stuff. It just never seems to get it all.
Have fun girls... Go forth and get waxed!
I have had my legs waxed a few times before but it had been years since the last time I had them waxed until this past February. As I shared this with my friends I knew the pending question that was looming in the air. Why did I get them done in February?... "It was my Valentine's Day/ Birthday gift to my husband".... Huh?... "Well I figured if I was going to get my lower bits done I might as well get my legs done as well"... Seriously?... "Yes"... Doesn't that hurt?... "Yes! it hurts a lot, but it has its benefits. I mean I did it as I gift for my husband and low and behold I got a present out of it too (Definitely worth it!)"... So what's the protocol for that, I mean do you shower first?... "I don't know? I did...."
Later that week one of my friends and I went out for drinks and she admitted that she is now very intrigued and may have to go and get waxed. Well this conversation made me think about what is the etiquette for going in to get your wax on. I think the bottom line is, it's the same as you would go through before going to see the gynecologist minus the grooming, because obviously that is why you are there.
But is their other Etiquette, because lets face it, that shit hurts. Can you scream? What do you do if you have to fart? There you are lying on a table having someone spread hot wax on your, in the words of my fav comedian Chelsea Handler, coslopus and then ripping the hair off of it. Pulling your lip this way and that, moving your leg here and there to get a better angle, and finally the creme de la creme the BUTT. Yup, depending on the wax you get the butt is part of the package and let me tell you lying on your side holding your butt cheeks apart is not only highly uncomfortable it is a whole new level of let me show you my bits. On the up side it is the least painful of the whole waxing experience, but clearly the most awkward.
I think the best solution is to have someone you like and who makes you feel comfortable. I got lucky, my first full service wax was done by a pro who kept me talking and laughing the whole time. Despite the posh feel of spa she told me I was free to yell if I needed to, cause she knew it hurt. She let me know when it would hurt the most and when I was almost done. It was kind of like being coached through the whole thing and best of all she was funny. She talked to me about getting into waxing and about how when she started they didn't do the full service wax. She even said that once while in school she left crying and telling her teacher that if she had another pube touch her that did not belong to her or someone she is sleeping with she was going to go crazy. Her humor put me at ease and while it did not ease the pain it made the situation less uncomfortable.
So here is my basic etiquette for waxing:
1. Clean as you would for a trip for to the gynecologist
2. Find someone who makes you feel comfortable because they are going to see all of your junk and then some.
3. Scream if you want, what is the worst that could happen?
4. Be kind and clean you behind.
5. Give notice if you think you are going to fart. There is nothing worst than farting in the face of someone who is inches away wielding wax and ripping out hair in highly sensitive areas (you wouldn't want to piss that person off. And NO I did NOT do this. This is a basic people).
6. Bring baby wipes. They help for the last minute pre-clean and they can be helpful after, especially if you are going somewhere, you tend to be a bit sticky despite the wax remover stuff. It just never seems to get it all.
Have fun girls... Go forth and get waxed!
Waiting
Ok, so I know that I am notorious for being late. I was always late for school growing up (hmmm I wonder where Monkey gets it), I am late to meet friends, late pick up Monkey from school, late to the doctor, late to parties, and at times late for work. Ok, so you get the idea, I am late. Well despite this nasty habit, I hate having to wait. Perhaps this is why I am late. Maybe I have rationalized that if I am late then I won't have to wait as long when I get there... Maybe but I doubt it. Really I think it is just the fact that I run around like a crazy blur trying to get my shit together in the morning or prior to whatever event I happen to be attending. At any rate, today I had to drive about 45 minutes to go see a client, a client I see every week at the same time, and have seen on this day and at this time for the past 4 or 5 months. Well, today I am done earlier than normal with the clients that I see prior to this one because one cancelled, so I called to see if we could move up the time. No answer. No worries, I go to get lunch. I call again to touch base, again no answer. After I finish lunch, and I am heading back to the client's home, I call again to let her know I will be there in about 15 min (which is the regularly scheduled time), still no answer. I call again when I get there...no answer, again 10 min later...no answer, and again 10 min later...STILL NO ANSWER. So then since I have her grandmother's phone number I decided to call her and low and behold she is there and has been there all day (mind you I called there earlier this morning). And why is she not at her house for her appointment? No reason. AHHHHH! Seriously people the number one way to piss me off is to make me drive the middle of nowhere and then not show up. Now I get that I may sound like a hypocrite but I always show up, I may be late but I show. And if I am not going to show, I call.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Symphony
Generally when I think of music I think of things with a melody; at a minimum I think of something with a tune. Right now music for me is Kings of Leon, Muse, Lily Allen, DMB, Sarah McLachlan, etc. However, tonight I was introduced to a symphonic range of snoring that was so continuous, so repetitive, so rhythmic, and so loud I could not believe my ears. I honestly don't know how this woman sleeps without an APAP machine because she must have made choking snoring noises about 10 times in a 45 minute period. Beyond that how do her husband and son sleep with all of that noise. So now I wonder, if you recorded her each night and you cut the tracks together, do you think you could actually make a song? Interesting taught.
Tardy
Ok so my daily, or at least my Monday through Friday frustration is getting Monkey, my 7 year old son to school. While my Monkey is the apple of my eye he is also a big pain in my ass. Monkey, as I said is 7 years old and has ADHD, and unfortunately like his mom is not a morning person. Therefore getting to school in the morning is the BANE of my existence. Every morning is the same routine. "Monkey get up" again five minutes later, ten minutes later, YELLING fifteen minutes later. RUSH, RUSH, RUSH... Finally dressed, taking his medicine, and eating breakfast. "Monkey go brush your teeth, go to the bathroom, and wash your hands." Five minutes later. "Are you done yet?" "Almost." So I go up and check on him and is he brushing his teeth? NO he is playing with water in the sink. SERIOUSLY!!! YELLING, YELLING, YELLING!... "Monkey go get your shoes on" "OK". Does this happen of course not. Instead I get, crying "I can't get my shoes because the floor (the tile) is too cold and I can't reach them (in the shoe cubbie from the carpet)." CRYING, CRYING, CRYING... Finally we have the shoes are on and we are out the door. We have 2 minutes to get to school unfortunately we live about 5 minutes away, but to make matters more annoying there is road construction going on on the direct route we take to school and a different portion of the route is closed every day. Very annoying construction workers especially when one is running late for school with their pokie 7 year old. Grrrr.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Inspiration
So those who know me know that I love to rant. Well actually I bitch, and I bitch about everything. I am a snarky bitch and damn proud of it. So I often find myself annoyed by the idiocy of people. Don't get my wrong I am often highly entertained by these morons but regardless I feel the need to bitch about it. Over the last few weeks I have found myself considering blogging, but I have never really understood the blogging craze. I mean whenever I have something to say, or to bitch or rant about then I just call someone up and bitch about it, why would I need to sit and write about. Well then I started thinking about all the times that I can't just call someone up or those topics that you just aren't sure of how to broach with certain friend and then I realized just how much fun blogging could be. So here I go...
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