Landscape or MANscape?

Women spend all kinds of time and money grooming themselves. Be it for haircuts/colors, waxing, threading, or plucking women go to all kinds of measures to make what hair they have look fabulous and make the hair they want to get rid of go away and stay away. So why is it that women go to all of this trouble and men get to be, well men.

For instance, during the race to the Stanley Cup finals the Chicago Blackhawks decided to grow out their beards. For weeks they got hairier and hairier and we all cheered them on. Yet during the winter when I decided to stop shaving my legs for a few weeks my husband asks if I am planning on becoming a mountain man. But when my husband joined the beard brigade, did I bitch, no cause it is expected.

About a week ago my husband posted a link to a website in which a man nearly lost a testicle being waxed for charity. A few days later they talked about it on Chelsea Lately. So it made me think, should men spend more time MANSCAPING?

HELLS TO THE YA! This is not just about keeping up their haircut this is about keeping up all hair. My husband is the perfect example. He is 30 years old and he has grandpa hair on his ears and nose. YUP, that's right he has long hairs growing up the side of his ear (GROSS-- although they are fun to pull on when I am pissed at him) and he gets long grandpa hairs growing out his nose (again fun to pull out when pissed. And while he doesn't have a true unibrow he does need a little shaping and cleaning up about once a year. Now he bitches and moans about this does anyone honestly think he is going to manscape his jewels, I think not.

Well he said he would until he read the article, even asked me to ask my waxing goddess to see if she did men. She does and she reports that the balls are in fact the most sensitive and most likely place to tear away skin. The key in to pull the skin around the ball and taut as possible, because lets face it there is a lot of unneeded junk down there. I haven't met a man who has manscaped the jewels (by waxing) but from my own experience that shit hurts, and given men's tolerance for pain I doubt I will. None the less as women whether we wax, shave, or trim we take care of business down there, all we are requesting is the same.

A Make Out Short List

When SP and I were talking and consulting others on what makes a good make-up I was left with a bunch of tips that did not make the cut so here they are...


Invest in a good lip balm. Chap lips are an absolute no-no. If I feel the peely chappedness of your lips, game over

Each person has their own feelings about facial but no matter the amout, it needs to be maintained. I wax my eye brows and my lip, please show the same respect and do some basic upkeep so my face doesn't break out in a rash.

Keep a pack of gum on you at all times. Good breath is a must. To this day I will make my husband go and brush his teeth if I think he has bad breath before a make-out.

I personally, am anti-smoking, so smokey breath or smoke on your clothes is an instant turn off.

Take care of the stank... BIG, BIG NO-NO. If you smell like funk, stay the fuck away.

Hands... clean manicured. I'm not talking about metrosexual manicured here. I am talking about clean hands, clean trimmed nails. You are going to be touching my face with those hands I want them to be clean. Furthermore I am keeping an eye out cause I may be asking those hands to go on an adventure later. Dirty grimey hands are not wanted on my face, my body, and certainly not on the little lady.

Ok I think that covers the basics... Go forth and suck face!

Oh Shit, If My Mom Finds Out...

OK, yesterday was my birthday. I am 32 years old, married with two children and a dog. I have a Master's degree and a successful career and yet I am still scared to death of my mother. A few months ago I bought the coolest pair of platform peeptoes. When I showed her a picture of them she thought that they were very cute, reasonably priced, and even asked why I didn't get them. Despite this, I knew if she knew that I had if fact bought them she would have given me hell... "You don't need any more shoes", "Stop spending money", etc., etc. The first time I wore them I wore flip flops because I was meeting my mom to hand off my kids before I went to work (she was watching them for the day) and hid them in my work bag and then changed shoes when I got to work.

Two weeks ago Sassy Pineapple and I celebrated my birthday early by going and getting new tattoos. For me it was my second tattoo. For SP, her first. So when my mom decided to make me dinner for my birthday what was I worried about... you guessed it. What the fuck was I going to do when she saw my tattoo. Or worse what would I do when my 3 year old went up to her and said "I don't like the flowers on mommy's foot" like he has been saying for the past two weeks.

So I got my first tattoo when I was 18 (for my birthday). I didn't tell my mom but she inevitabily found out about it. She was pissed. Being a good catholic all kinds of arguements were thrown out... I was going to hell, I was rash, it was a waste of money, why on earth would I mutilate my body, etc., etc. She was vocal, as she always is, and she did not approve. Well nothing has changed as I have aged. If she doesn't approve she let's loose. Her biggest point of contention... wasted money.

So, needless to say, my mom finding out about my new tattoo which is on the top of my foot and is bigger than my other tattoo is not on the top of my priority list. Actually what is on the top of my priority list is hiding it from her for as long as possible at all costs, because the lecture and bitch-fest that would ensue would be far more painful than two and a half hours of having the top of my foot tattooed.

So back to my birthday dinner... My husband was also of the mindset don't let mom know about the tattoo. He kept saying wear socks and tennis shoes. Ahh HELLO! The last time I checked it was summer and it was 85 degrees outside. Furthermore I hate wearing socks... I love ballet flats because it means I don't have to wear socks. And my mother would be totally tipped off. She knows me better than that. OK back the point. I ended up wearing a pair of Keen sandels and coyly moved my foot everytime my mom came near me.

SERIOUSLY... I am 32 years old and I am hiding shit from my mom like I did when I was in high school and living at home. When will it ever end....

I May be the Make-out Queen, But I Aint No Whore: Just because I open my mouth doesn't mean I'll open my pants!

What makes a good make-out session? Is it the kiss, the touch, what comes next, or everything in between? A good make-out session can be as good and as sensual as a good night of sex, but what makes it good? How come some guys know what to do, others don't have a clue, and others still, no matter how hard you try never get it. Sassy Pineapple and I have been asking friends and a couple of tattoo artists what makes a good make-out?

First, and foremost you need to be confident. There is nothing worse than not having the confidence to go in for the kiss in the first place. Case in point, my wonderful husband and our first kiss. We were in college (one would think between hormones, alcohol, and irresponsible youth we would be golden, but that was not the case) and our first VERY awkward kiss took place when I moved to kiss him from behind (meaning I was sitting behind him and was leaning around to kiss him) and he was leaning back to kiss me. Needless to say it was a mess. We missed each others mouths, we were at an awkward angle, it was just bad. Thank God we finally got ourselves facing each other because once we were face to face it was on.

Let me be clear, when I want to be kissed I want one of the following types of kisses, and it is your responsibility to know what I want when I want it: A) Soft sensual make-out sessions full of passion and desire; or B) Hot and heavy slam me against a wall, or throw me on a bed and kiss me until I can't remember my name. What I don't want under any circumstances is my face to be slobbered upon... When I was in high school one of my high school boyfriend's bathed my face in slobber every time we kissed. GROSS! Despite gentle coaching, the slobber fest continued. During the course of our relationship I felt like I had a constant rash around my mouth. In reality my poor mouth was chapped from all of the slobber being rubbed around my face. I swear it was like kissing a basset hound. Now I am not so vain as to let this be the sole reason for our breakup, but honestly I wasn't missing the kissing when he was gone.

On this topic, when being kissed tongue is not a requirement; however when having a good make-out session it is. Lets be clear people, Drew Barrymore said it best in the movie The Wedding Singer "not porno tongue... church tongue." Please do not go stabbing your tongue in my mouth. Don't try to choke me with it. We are not remaking the make-out version of deep throat and I am not Lindsay Lohan. Tongue should be used gently, subtly, and it should build upon itself. Slow and tentative at first building to more frequent and more dominate.

As I said in the title, just because I want a good make-out does not mean I want to have sex. And while a good make out session can lead to sex it is not a guarantee. So here are a few guidelines for your hands. While I might want your tongue in my mouth and your hands roaming my body, making out is not an invitation to break open my pants a take your hands from a probe. Thank you, but when I want the little lady explored I will send you on an expedition, until then hands off. The best way to use you hands is a soft stroke on the face, gently cupping the face in your hands as you move in for the kiss. Brushing my hair out of my eyes or off my neck and trailing gentle kisses as you move the hair aside. Trail kisses down my jaw and back to my mouth. A gentle nibble (NEVER BITE) on the lip... my preference is the upper lip (but to each there own)and most sensual place to stimulate the mouth during kissing... just under the upper lip between the lip and the gum. If you can get a zing there you will have your girl hooked (well at least this girl and sassy pineapple).

The bottomline is the most important thing is talk to your partner. If you don't like something they are doing, tell them. If you want them to do something different tell them, and if you want them to do more of the same let them know. When I am talking about sex to my teenage clients I generally tell them if you can't talk about it you shouldn't be doing it. I guess the same is true. If you can't discuss how to have a great make-out session with your partner maybe he or she isn't the right partner. And if your playing the field, when you need a towel to wipe your face after a make-out session it is time to move on.