Sadly, we have not had ample time to test this wonder fruit to find out its full sexual benefit, however what has come out of this blog topic has been the constant onslaught of sexual pineapple visuals and inferences. I swear everywhere I look I see women buying pineapple. The funniest was the 60+ year old lady in the check out lane in front of me at the fresh market one day. I sent a quick text to Sassy Pineapple who replied "Even 60 year olds need some lovin'."
Then about a week later we were watching 60 minutes and Anderson Cooper was interviewing chef Jose Andres. Well apparently he thinks fruits and veggies are the next big thing. In fact he said that fruits and vegetables are "sexier" than meat. He compared to best, juiciest, farm raised, grain fed, organic chicken breast (basically the best damn chicken in the world) to a PINEAPPLE. I nearly died I was laughing so bad.
Clearly the world is aware pineapple is the big and sexy thing!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Is my Leg Asleep or am I Having an Orgasm?
In true Margarita Thursday fashion, Sassy Pineapple (SP) and I discussed a good one a couple of weeks ago. Since she is on vacay right now and I am seriously missing my Margarita Thursdays I figured I would tackle this fun topic.
So everyone at one time or another has sat on their foot or slept on their hand and had it fall asleep. Suddenly you realize it is numb. You can't feel it, yet you can, and then you move it and it starts... The tingling, the pins, the needles, the sudden sense of feeling and then loss of feeling again, it goes on and on until finally you have the full sense of feeling back in you limb and all the crazy sensation overload comes to an end.
Well from time to time when sitting too long, or in a funny position we found that we and our friends had experienced our entire leg falling asleep. It is really a strange feeling as you would think that you would feel your foot falling asleep, but it doesn't really work that way. It is more like it works from the hip down. The funny thing is it also works from the hip over, meaning it works its way from the hip over to the middle of the vagina and stops... Funny how it never crosses the mid line of the body... Anyway back on topic, so then like when any other limb falls asleep, you notice it when it is numb. You can't feel it, and then you can and you notice that it is half of your vagina that is numb, then you realize "oh yeah, I can't feel my leg either..." (yes the leg is totally an after thought, I mean come on you can't feel half of your whoo ha) And then begins the total sensory overload of your body trying to right its self, and yes ladies that includes a strange, but enticing tingling in your whoo ha. As the tingling increases, fades, increases, and fades, lets face it ladies a mini O is on the way. So like any other sleepy limb, embrace the experience, hit it, rub it, or shake it out and enjoy the ride to the the mini or hopefully the BIG O!
So everyone at one time or another has sat on their foot or slept on their hand and had it fall asleep. Suddenly you realize it is numb. You can't feel it, yet you can, and then you move it and it starts... The tingling, the pins, the needles, the sudden sense of feeling and then loss of feeling again, it goes on and on until finally you have the full sense of feeling back in you limb and all the crazy sensation overload comes to an end.
Well from time to time when sitting too long, or in a funny position we found that we and our friends had experienced our entire leg falling asleep. It is really a strange feeling as you would think that you would feel your foot falling asleep, but it doesn't really work that way. It is more like it works from the hip down. The funny thing is it also works from the hip over, meaning it works its way from the hip over to the middle of the vagina and stops... Funny how it never crosses the mid line of the body... Anyway back on topic, so then like when any other limb falls asleep, you notice it when it is numb. You can't feel it, and then you can and you notice that it is half of your vagina that is numb, then you realize "oh yeah, I can't feel my leg either..." (yes the leg is totally an after thought, I mean come on you can't feel half of your whoo ha) And then begins the total sensory overload of your body trying to right its self, and yes ladies that includes a strange, but enticing tingling in your whoo ha. As the tingling increases, fades, increases, and fades, lets face it ladies a mini O is on the way. So like any other sleepy limb, embrace the experience, hit it, rub it, or shake it out and enjoy the ride to the the mini or hopefully the BIG O!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Nachos, Dragons, Rings, and Boys Locker Rooms
So I am a professional. And as a professional I have to act in a certain way, but let me tell you there are times when professionalism falls by the wayside. For instance, when I go to see a client and I am meet with the pungent smell of nacho cheese. Now let me be clear, no one is eating nachos, they smell like nachos. Just the rancid,cheesy, pungent smell of... well I don't even know. Where does a smell like that even come from. It is toxic, it makes your eyes water and your nose burn, but what do you do, your a professional so you have to work through it right? Well heaven help me...
We know that dragons breath fire, but people... Seriously. Why must you assault my nose? What the hell did I ever do to you? Just because I decide to talk to you (I admit I can be a pistol depending on the conversation) there is no need to knock me out with your breath. The odor is different from body odors and regular bad breath. You would think that the smell would dissipate in the air, it is almost like the air gives it strength and intensity then it floats out at you and strikes like at slap to the face when it hits you.
Sassy Pineapple (SP) is on vacation, but before she left she did a home visit for one of my clients. She got a hug, the client sat on her lap for a bit, and then while talking to the parent, the "rash" was brought up. The child has had a rash that has been spreading consistently. While it is being treated it has continued to spread... I have to say, I absolutely love that SP was sat on so that the rash could be spread to her prior to being told of its existence. I got quite a laugh out of it, well SP was not so amused. You might have guessed from my blog title the rash is of the wormy nature... Ring worm that is.
What is it about a boys locker room. It inevitably smells of sweat and dirty socks. Why is that? What is it about boys? Now don't get me wrong, being an athlete I have been in many a stinky girls locker room, but there is just something about a boys locker room that defies the sense of smell. Well there is that, and then there are the people who smell like the boys locker room. Seriously people, bathing every now and again is not that hard. I get that people sweat, but could we put on some deodorant. If not for your own sake then for the sake of all of the people who have to smell you throughout the day. Seriously, a little deodorant would go a long way. I really don't understand it, and I absolutely cannot bare the smell of it. And while I love Julia Roberts and Matthew McConaughey going au natural is not cool, it stinks.
When I get up each day I shower, brush my hair, brush my teeth, take care of my basic grooming needs. I wear clean clothes and by all accounts I don't smell and at the very least I try my best each day not to. Now I know there are times we all do things that make us sweaty or smelly or whatever; that is different then smelling like nacho cheese, dragon breath, and sweat and dirty socks. I expect the same good (or at the very least decent hygiene) of others. I deserve to be able to go out into the world and not have to deal with an assault on my senses, particularly my nose. Bottom line... shower, clean yourself, wear deodorant. Women shave your pits because heaven help me that is a stink fest. Brush your teeth, use mouthwash whatever... Just please take care of the smell. Oh, and if you have a rash, let the person know before you decide to sit on their lap or give them hugs, it would seriously suck if the shit spread!
We know that dragons breath fire, but people... Seriously. Why must you assault my nose? What the hell did I ever do to you? Just because I decide to talk to you (I admit I can be a pistol depending on the conversation) there is no need to knock me out with your breath. The odor is different from body odors and regular bad breath. You would think that the smell would dissipate in the air, it is almost like the air gives it strength and intensity then it floats out at you and strikes like at slap to the face when it hits you.
Sassy Pineapple (SP) is on vacation, but before she left she did a home visit for one of my clients. She got a hug, the client sat on her lap for a bit, and then while talking to the parent, the "rash" was brought up. The child has had a rash that has been spreading consistently. While it is being treated it has continued to spread... I have to say, I absolutely love that SP was sat on so that the rash could be spread to her prior to being told of its existence. I got quite a laugh out of it, well SP was not so amused. You might have guessed from my blog title the rash is of the wormy nature... Ring worm that is.
What is it about a boys locker room. It inevitably smells of sweat and dirty socks. Why is that? What is it about boys? Now don't get me wrong, being an athlete I have been in many a stinky girls locker room, but there is just something about a boys locker room that defies the sense of smell. Well there is that, and then there are the people who smell like the boys locker room. Seriously people, bathing every now and again is not that hard. I get that people sweat, but could we put on some deodorant. If not for your own sake then for the sake of all of the people who have to smell you throughout the day. Seriously, a little deodorant would go a long way. I really don't understand it, and I absolutely cannot bare the smell of it. And while I love Julia Roberts and Matthew McConaughey going au natural is not cool, it stinks.
When I get up each day I shower, brush my hair, brush my teeth, take care of my basic grooming needs. I wear clean clothes and by all accounts I don't smell and at the very least I try my best each day not to. Now I know there are times we all do things that make us sweaty or smelly or whatever; that is different then smelling like nacho cheese, dragon breath, and sweat and dirty socks. I expect the same good (or at the very least decent hygiene) of others. I deserve to be able to go out into the world and not have to deal with an assault on my senses, particularly my nose. Bottom line... shower, clean yourself, wear deodorant. Women shave your pits because heaven help me that is a stink fest. Brush your teeth, use mouthwash whatever... Just please take care of the smell. Oh, and if you have a rash, let the person know before you decide to sit on their lap or give them hugs, it would seriously suck if the shit spread!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
I'm Calling Your Brother!
Everyone knows I have done some crazy shit in my life. People know I have done some pretty stupid shit in my life. And today was no exception. I left the house this afternoon knowing I needed to get gas. As I was headed toward my destination I got a phone call from a caseworker that I work with and we began discussing a client. The long and the short of it is, I got distracted and forgot to get gas. So I am on my drive to see my client (about 30 minutes away on the freeway) when halfway there I start to notice my car acting funny. OH SHIT! Yup you guessed it. I ran out of gas on the freeway. For those of you in the Chicagoland area, my car died on 53 right before the exit for 14 at 4:45pm, which is right in the middle of rush hour. Luckily I am on the shoulder and my husband found out I could call for toll road assistance by dialing *999, something I never knew. So while I sit here waiting for roadside assistance my husband begins a rant about my stupidity. Yeah, no shit babe, I royally fucked up, I get it. But what does he do, he brings up the one other time I did this. I was 21 living in California and running late for work (no time to stop for gas), when my car dies. My brother had to come and bail me out and the lecture I got, I thought I would never hear the end of it. So as my husband continues to go on and on about how upset he is, he ends the conversation with "you know what, I'm calling your brother so he can call you and yell at you." ... GREAT!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Penis Love or Penis Envy?
Everyone knows that men love there penises. All kinds of different theorist have theories on why women envy them, but at what age does this idea of penis love really begin. Well, I would have guessed at some point in there teen years when they figure out the whole masturbation thing. I was wrong, Apparently penis love begins around the age of three.
A couple of weeks ago while changing Bear's diaper, he asks me "Mommy what's that?" pointing at his penis. I respond " I don't know what is that?" He says "Its my pee pee". I respond "Oh, OK." And then it happened the moment all men must go throw at somepoint. Bear says "I like my pee pee, I like it all the time."
Now I think the Electra complex is full of shit, so I don't women envy men's penises. Men on the other hand I think have very strong penis envy, especially when they know someone is packing more then they are. In fact I can think of one man in particular who has been vocal of his envy of my husbands package, but I really was not ready for the penis love. I really thought I would be dealing with Monkey and masturbation before having Bear tell me he "loves his pee pee all the time."
A couple of weeks ago while changing Bear's diaper, he asks me "Mommy what's that?" pointing at his penis. I respond " I don't know what is that?" He says "Its my pee pee". I respond "Oh, OK." And then it happened the moment all men must go throw at somepoint. Bear says "I like my pee pee, I like it all the time."
Now I think the Electra complex is full of shit, so I don't women envy men's penises. Men on the other hand I think have very strong penis envy, especially when they know someone is packing more then they are. In fact I can think of one man in particular who has been vocal of his envy of my husbands package, but I really was not ready for the penis love. I really thought I would be dealing with Monkey and masturbation before having Bear tell me he "loves his pee pee all the time."
Dreams
Have you ever woken up from a good dream and wanted to back to sleep so that you could finish the dream. What about those dreams that have you waking up going "did that really happen"; where it was so real you can't tell if it was a dream or if it really happened. And then there are the dreams that wake you up in a panic, not because they are nightmares but because the content is so crazy you can't believe it actually happened...
When I am abruptly awaken from the dream where I am getting generously attended to, reaching orgasm after orgasm, where the sex is too good to be real; I promptly throw the covers over my head, closed my and fiercely tell myself to go back to sleep, GO BACK TO SLEEP. Why oh why must my dream have ended and, why oh why can I not get back to the place I left off....
The other day I am talking to Sassy Pineapple (SP) and she tells that while at her friends house her friend's husband made a comment about how SP has really soft lips. Sassy Pineapple was like "OK, yeah, thanks..." She said the next morning she got a call from her friend who said, her "husband was right she does have soft lips." Sassy Pineapple was like, "Umm Thanks!.... Wait WHAT?!" That was when her friend told her about her dream... Apparently the night before her friend had had a dream that she was messing around with some faceless man and was making out and when she pulled back she was kissing Sassy Pineapple, one of her best friends who apparently has very soft lips.
One can imagine it is hard to tell your friend I just dreamt that I was making out with/ having sex with you; Right? So how do you tell your friend? And which is worse, same sex or opposite sex dreams (that might depend on sexuality), or does it even matter?
In my case I had dreamt that I was having great sex, mid orgasm, eyes glazed over I realized it was one of my best friends doing the deed and not my husband, Dave Matthews, or David Beckham. Nope, it was one of my best (female) friends. AWKWARD! Well, the next time I saw her it was definitely awkward but we laughed over it, she took pride in being good, and it was done with. I guess if I ever decide to switch teams she is the first person I want to be with because my dream was really good.
Then last night I had this crazy dream, and no this crazy dream is not about sex... I had gone out somewhere and someone came up to me and began commenting on my makeup. Now there are a few things that I love in life: shoes, purses, and makeup. So I am thinking I am going to get a compliment on my eye shadow or lipstick or something. NOPE! The person in my dream begins to tell me how I have sharp makeup line at my chin line showing the difference between my regular skin and my makeup. She told me my makeup look overdone and caked on. While she is telling me this I am looking at her mouth dropped open searching for something to say, to argue...No it doesn't... I use power makeup so that I don't get a makeup line...I pick natural colors...I don't even wear that much makeup... And then she does it, she says the one thing that can make the dream become a nightmare, She tells me I look like Tammy Faye Baker, and I wake up in a full on panic attack. When I go in the bathroom to make sure I look like myself I am a bit shaken... I didn't quite get all of my eye makeup off last night and I have big black smudges of eye liner and mascara around my eyes. As I do a double take I realize that while I look a bit like a raccoon, I still look like me. Thank God!
Dreams are funny things... sometimes they are part fantasy and part nightmare and at times they are just full on crazy.
When I am abruptly awaken from the dream where I am getting generously attended to, reaching orgasm after orgasm, where the sex is too good to be real; I promptly throw the covers over my head, closed my and fiercely tell myself to go back to sleep, GO BACK TO SLEEP. Why oh why must my dream have ended and, why oh why can I not get back to the place I left off....
The other day I am talking to Sassy Pineapple (SP) and she tells that while at her friends house her friend's husband made a comment about how SP has really soft lips. Sassy Pineapple was like "OK, yeah, thanks..." She said the next morning she got a call from her friend who said, her "husband was right she does have soft lips." Sassy Pineapple was like, "Umm Thanks!.... Wait WHAT?!" That was when her friend told her about her dream... Apparently the night before her friend had had a dream that she was messing around with some faceless man and was making out and when she pulled back she was kissing Sassy Pineapple, one of her best friends who apparently has very soft lips.
One can imagine it is hard to tell your friend I just dreamt that I was making out with/ having sex with you; Right? So how do you tell your friend? And which is worse, same sex or opposite sex dreams (that might depend on sexuality), or does it even matter?
In my case I had dreamt that I was having great sex, mid orgasm, eyes glazed over I realized it was one of my best friends doing the deed and not my husband, Dave Matthews, or David Beckham. Nope, it was one of my best (female) friends. AWKWARD! Well, the next time I saw her it was definitely awkward but we laughed over it, she took pride in being good, and it was done with. I guess if I ever decide to switch teams she is the first person I want to be with because my dream was really good.
Then last night I had this crazy dream, and no this crazy dream is not about sex... I had gone out somewhere and someone came up to me and began commenting on my makeup. Now there are a few things that I love in life: shoes, purses, and makeup. So I am thinking I am going to get a compliment on my eye shadow or lipstick or something. NOPE! The person in my dream begins to tell me how I have sharp makeup line at my chin line showing the difference between my regular skin and my makeup. She told me my makeup look overdone and caked on. While she is telling me this I am looking at her mouth dropped open searching for something to say, to argue...No it doesn't... I use power makeup so that I don't get a makeup line...I pick natural colors...I don't even wear that much makeup... And then she does it, she says the one thing that can make the dream become a nightmare, She tells me I look like Tammy Faye Baker, and I wake up in a full on panic attack. When I go in the bathroom to make sure I look like myself I am a bit shaken... I didn't quite get all of my eye makeup off last night and I have big black smudges of eye liner and mascara around my eyes. As I do a double take I realize that while I look a bit like a raccoon, I still look like me. Thank God!
Dreams are funny things... sometimes they are part fantasy and part nightmare and at times they are just full on crazy.
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