Love Thy Self

Last Thursday night, Margarita Thursday, my friend and I were out getting our drink on when we started talking about the differences between male and female masturbation. So we all know men masturbate, I mean they openly admit to it, they joke about how often they do it, and once in a serious relationship or married they bitch about how often they have to do it instead of getting the actual thing. Women on the other hand are coy about the subject, unless of course your Chelsea Handler (again props to my favorite comedian). For women it is more of a do we or don't we? Often, do we do it often? Well how do we do it often if we can't even admit to doing it at all. And how often is too often? For men we all know there is no such thing as too often, for woman are the rules different?

When it comes to masturbation, women are full of shit... Seriously ladies lets be honest with ourselves and our girlfriends. We all do it, most of us have lied about it at one point or another, but we have all done it, and enjoyed it. So face it, if you are the one who continues to tell people that you don't, then you are the one doing it more than anyone else (more power to you but know, we all know that you are doing it and doing it a lot).

When I have talked to my girlfriends about masturbation our conversations have been anything but coy. They have been more along the lines of which vibrators are the best... which get the best battery life, which are the quietest (for those of use with kids who need a quick mommy de-stress moment), waterproof vs. non-water proof, clitoral stimulation vs non-clitoral stimulation... you get my point. When my girlfriends talk masturbation it is shop talk. I suppose it is kind of like a group of guys talking about cars... makes, models, what the ride is like, etc. So why is it so hard for women to talk like this?

As we were talking Thursday night, my friend mention how she had heard some girl make reference to how she could get the job done in the car. SERIOUSLY, is she in cirque du soleil or something? Apparently, because according to my friend this highly flexible lady was able to somehow manage to prop one leg up on the dash while driving to get the job done. Are you kidding me? First of all I don't think I could bend this way if I tried. Second of all, I worry about people looking at me if I adjust my nose ring or pick a booger, the idea of some random person watching me get off, not my thing. Thirdly, Oprah is worried about people talking on the phone and texting while driving... I don't know about you but taking care of business takes a lot more of my attention then talking on the phone or texting. How on earth did this circus freak not crash the car she was driving while getting off. This has to be an urban legend... you know the girl who can masturbate while driving.

So the bottom line is: men masturbate (I am man I get off); women masturbate (we may be coy about it but we all do it). Seriously ladies relax, start talking about it, the more you talk about it, the more fun you will have. And finally if you hear about the circus freak who can get off while driving, just know that whoever it is that knows her is full of it. She is just an urban legend, I mean she has to be, right?