One of my greatest frustrations in life are the idiots of the world who think that I sit around all day twiddling my thumbs waiting for something to do. Guess what jackasses, I don't! I have a fucking life and I have a ton of fucking work to get done so, no, I am not waiting around fucking myself until you decide to drop me a line, send me a message, or decided now is a good time for me to call you or do something for you. Case in point, Sassy Pineapple and I were talking and apparently one of our mutual clients who has not called in month, for fear either of us will open a can of whup-ass on him, called and left her a message... Here is my new number and by the way I am off today. Look jackass you may be off today but we are not. You have not made one attempt to find out the well being of your kid for the pass three months but I am going to drop everything and be sure to give you a call because you are off today... First, where have you been for three months, and second, what is it that you think I am doing right now? Sitting at my desk fingering myself, waiting for your call. Or as Sassy Pineapple put it flicking my bean. Wrong! I have been from one side of the city to the other and back, so no the fact that today is your day off is not registering on my radar. I will get back to you within a profession 24-48 hours so until then SUCK IT!
This is just one example, but I see them all the time, people think that because I am working from home, or don't start seeing clients until later in the day I am sitting around like Peg Bundy watching TV and eating bon bons. NEWS FLASH... I am not eating bon bons, I am not napping, I am fingering myself at my desk. I am trying to get all of my shit done, you know the 20 million things have have to get done for each case each week, like notes, billing, court reports, therapy progress reports, etc. If by some freak miracle I am able to get everything done in a week and not have to deal with the overflow from the week before, maybe, just maybe, I will take a break head into the bathroom and steal a few minutes away with my favorite vibrator, but until that day comes (and in the 8 years I have been in this profession it hasn't come yet) I am busy working and will get back to you on my schedule not yours so FUCK OFF!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Who Lives in a Pineapple Under the Sea...
Not Spongebob... Sassy Pineapple brought me a topic to blog about, apparently she and her friends want to know pineapple: fact or fiction. For those of you who are confused right now, we are talking about spunk people. Rumor has it that pineapple improves the flavor of men's semen, so is this fact of fiction? I, for one, don't know. Despite what some friends think the BJ is is SOOO not my thing. It is not that I am opposed to it in general, I mean it certainly is not my favorite ( Yes God created man, this beautiful specimen like the David, but seriously balls on the outside, big mistake. YUCK!), in my case the biggest issue is time. As I have stated before in previous entries, my husband is not a minute man, more like a twenty minute man, and a twenty minute BJ is a VERY LONG TIME.
OK back to the pineapple... Sassy Pineapple (named for both her sassy attitude and this lovely pineapple story) and I have been talking about whether or not there is any truth to this theory. So I asked my husband. His first response was that he was willing to be a test subject, I mean it is for the sake of science. When I let Sassy Pineapple know she promptly texted me that pineapple is currently on sale at Jewel. My response, he may be willing, but I am not sure I am willing to get TMJ in the name of science and blogging.
According to my husband all citrus fruits improve spunk (apparently he has researched this in an attempt to get me to spent more time on the BJ) while certain veggies like asparagus and broccoli have the opposite effect. As Sassy Pineapple put it, if asparagus does to spunk what it does to your pee then stay away. While out tonight for Margarita Thursday Sassy Pineapple and I were talking about the topic and she thought it would be funny if I came home and a pineapple was sitting on my pillow, well if you read my earlier blog entry then you know, there was no pineapple on the pillow tonight.
So we will have to wait and see if the rumors about pineapple are fact or fiction...
OK back to the pineapple... Sassy Pineapple (named for both her sassy attitude and this lovely pineapple story) and I have been talking about whether or not there is any truth to this theory. So I asked my husband. His first response was that he was willing to be a test subject, I mean it is for the sake of science. When I let Sassy Pineapple know she promptly texted me that pineapple is currently on sale at Jewel. My response, he may be willing, but I am not sure I am willing to get TMJ in the name of science and blogging.
According to my husband all citrus fruits improve spunk (apparently he has researched this in an attempt to get me to spent more time on the BJ) while certain veggies like asparagus and broccoli have the opposite effect. As Sassy Pineapple put it, if asparagus does to spunk what it does to your pee then stay away. While out tonight for Margarita Thursday Sassy Pineapple and I were talking about the topic and she thought it would be funny if I came home and a pineapple was sitting on my pillow, well if you read my earlier blog entry then you know, there was no pineapple on the pillow tonight.
So we will have to wait and see if the rumors about pineapple are fact or fiction...
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Bedazzled Little Lady
About a week or two ago I was watching Chelsea Lately (my fav) and Jennifer Love Hewitt (JLH) was the guest. She was there to promote her new book and during the interview JLH talked about how she had gotten her hoo-ha vagazzled. That's right she bedazzled the little lady with Swarovski crystals. Now to clarify this is done on the pillow top (cleanly waxed-- see etiquette entry), because anything else would be just painful, and apparently you can have just about anything done. In the interview JLH give examples of hearts, an arrow leading the way, or a fun little message for your partner. She goes on to say that it makes you feel quite sexy when you get it done stating that you kind of want to show it to everyone that you meet after you do it but you shouldn't. So this led me to think, what would I put if I were to VAGAZZLE?
My friend who is currently pregnant asked her husband and he said she should put "closed for repairs" or "closed due to infestation." While cute, no man would ever want to enter and that would defeat the purpose of having a pretty hoo-ha, especially during those extra horny pregnancy months.
Another friend suggests "keep off the grass" or "no solicitors." If you want to express you sexuality or sexual preferences you could put "girls only", "boys only", or "boys and girls welcome."
I am somewhat partial to hearts and arrows. However since I know that my friskiness is related to how I feel about my husband (i.e. am I pissed at him or not) that may influence what I would put. If I were mad I would probably put "closed", "back off," or "no admittance." If I were happy with him I would probably put some sort of pattern leading the way, "happy trail" written vertically, "come get some", "lick me", etc.
During Margarita Thursday conversation, my friend (who will hence forth be known as Sassy Pineapple - a rationale for this will be explained in a future entry), and I were trying to think of what other fun things could be written... "cum here" or if you use the pull out method "DON'T cum here." And you could create a very low tramp stamp that says "EXIT ONLY", or if you happen to be of that persuasion, "enter here." The possibilities are endless...
So don't Bedazzle... VAGAZZLE!
My friend who is currently pregnant asked her husband and he said she should put "closed for repairs" or "closed due to infestation." While cute, no man would ever want to enter and that would defeat the purpose of having a pretty hoo-ha, especially during those extra horny pregnancy months.
Another friend suggests "keep off the grass" or "no solicitors." If you want to express you sexuality or sexual preferences you could put "girls only", "boys only", or "boys and girls welcome."
I am somewhat partial to hearts and arrows. However since I know that my friskiness is related to how I feel about my husband (i.e. am I pissed at him or not) that may influence what I would put. If I were mad I would probably put "closed", "back off," or "no admittance." If I were happy with him I would probably put some sort of pattern leading the way, "happy trail" written vertically, "come get some", "lick me", etc.
During Margarita Thursday conversation, my friend (who will hence forth be known as Sassy Pineapple - a rationale for this will be explained in a future entry), and I were trying to think of what other fun things could be written... "cum here" or if you use the pull out method "DON'T cum here." And you could create a very low tramp stamp that says "EXIT ONLY", or if you happen to be of that persuasion, "enter here." The possibilities are endless...
So don't Bedazzle... VAGAZZLE!
Light Weight
What do you do when you have been planning for a night of sexy time with your partner and you get home you find out your plans have be thwarted? Well hello to my night. Thursdays are my girls night out, aka Margarita Thursdays and since I new I would be going out tonight, I had been having some sexy texting with my husband; several innuendos about what was to come when I got home. I joked about having an extra drink, because I get frisky when I am tipsy, and he joked about positions. The stage was set, or so I thought.
When I get home, I walk in, go upstairs, walk into my room and find monkey in my bed. Ummm, not cool and definitely not sexy. Apparently he is having bad dreams... I don't care, go in your room and go to bed, I want sexy time. No such luck. When I finally get him in his bed and head back to my room, my husband is missing. The next thing I hear is my son singing in his room and my husband throwing up in the bathroom. Seriously?! Clearly I am not getting any tonight. I go and ask my husband if he is OK and he tells me he is just "drunk." Drunk? "Yeah, I drank half a bottle of wine." Vomit... So I guess since Monkey is still up singing in his bed, the hubby is puking in the bathroom, I am headed out to the car to put my foot up on the dash.
When I get home, I walk in, go upstairs, walk into my room and find monkey in my bed. Ummm, not cool and definitely not sexy. Apparently he is having bad dreams... I don't care, go in your room and go to bed, I want sexy time. No such luck. When I finally get him in his bed and head back to my room, my husband is missing. The next thing I hear is my son singing in his room and my husband throwing up in the bathroom. Seriously?! Clearly I am not getting any tonight. I go and ask my husband if he is OK and he tells me he is just "drunk." Drunk? "Yeah, I drank half a bottle of wine." Vomit... So I guess since Monkey is still up singing in his bed, the hubby is puking in the bathroom, I am headed out to the car to put my foot up on the dash.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
P-O-O-P... Poop!
What is it with a child's fascination with poop. We are currently potty training our two year old son Bear so dealing with potty issues are a daily occurrence in our home. Today while out shopping, Bear announced to the store (Gymboree), "Mommy, I got poop!" As we walked through the store to leave, he announced two more times, "I got poop!" We then walked two stores down to the bookstore so that we could change his pull up. On the way he continued to tell people... " Mommy, I got poop! Let's go change my butt." And through the bookstore, " I got poop!" Now let me be clear, I am not ignoring my child, I am in fact, after each announcement telling him calmly that we are headed to the bathroom so we can change his pull up. I am also smiling at all of the people staring at us as we walk through the stores and listening to Monkey laugh at the fact that his brother keeps talking about his poop. So what is it with poop? For those who know what Bear has gone through with his allergies in his short little life, know that poop has been a horrific ordeal. So it is somewhat understandable that he would be in a hurry to get rid of the poop, but do we really have to announce it to everyone?
Now I am an only child, I am obviously a girl, and I find no fascination with poop. I do my business, maybe read a magazine article or two while doing it, but I do and I'm done. I don't share what it was like, how big it was, how it clogged the toilet, what it was shaped like, etc. Now maybe this is a boy thing, like I said I am a girl so I have no idea, but in my house of boys, poops seem to be quite the fascinating subject. This may also be a family thing, again lets be clear NOT MY FAMILY THING, AN IN LAW THING! For instance, my husband is know throughout the family, both mine and his, for being the clogger of the toilets. Be warned if you have us over and a toilet ends up clogged, it was probably him. When we visit his parents it is some big joke... how many toilets will the hubby clog. And then when he inevitably clogs one, my nephews, husband, and father in law debate about who has the biggest shits. SERIOUSLY! I mean really, instead of having this gross conversation can they please shell out a few hundred dollars and install a 30 golf ball flusher like we did.
Now I am an only child, I am obviously a girl, and I find no fascination with poop. I do my business, maybe read a magazine article or two while doing it, but I do and I'm done. I don't share what it was like, how big it was, how it clogged the toilet, what it was shaped like, etc. Now maybe this is a boy thing, like I said I am a girl so I have no idea, but in my house of boys, poops seem to be quite the fascinating subject. This may also be a family thing, again lets be clear NOT MY FAMILY THING, AN IN LAW THING! For instance, my husband is know throughout the family, both mine and his, for being the clogger of the toilets. Be warned if you have us over and a toilet ends up clogged, it was probably him. When we visit his parents it is some big joke... how many toilets will the hubby clog. And then when he inevitably clogs one, my nephews, husband, and father in law debate about who has the biggest shits. SERIOUSLY! I mean really, instead of having this gross conversation can they please shell out a few hundred dollars and install a 30 golf ball flusher like we did.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Love Thy Self
Last Thursday night, Margarita Thursday, my friend and I were out getting our drink on when we started talking about the differences between male and female masturbation. So we all know men masturbate, I mean they openly admit to it, they joke about how often they do it, and once in a serious relationship or married they bitch about how often they have to do it instead of getting the actual thing. Women on the other hand are coy about the subject, unless of course your Chelsea Handler (again props to my favorite comedian). For women it is more of a do we or don't we? Often, do we do it often? Well how do we do it often if we can't even admit to doing it at all. And how often is too often? For men we all know there is no such thing as too often, for woman are the rules different?
When it comes to masturbation, women are full of shit... Seriously ladies lets be honest with ourselves and our girlfriends. We all do it, most of us have lied about it at one point or another, but we have all done it, and enjoyed it. So face it, if you are the one who continues to tell people that you don't, then you are the one doing it more than anyone else (more power to you but know, we all know that you are doing it and doing it a lot).
When I have talked to my girlfriends about masturbation our conversations have been anything but coy. They have been more along the lines of which vibrators are the best... which get the best battery life, which are the quietest (for those of use with kids who need a quick mommy de-stress moment), waterproof vs. non-water proof, clitoral stimulation vs non-clitoral stimulation... you get my point. When my girlfriends talk masturbation it is shop talk. I suppose it is kind of like a group of guys talking about cars... makes, models, what the ride is like, etc. So why is it so hard for women to talk like this?
As we were talking Thursday night, my friend mention how she had heard some girl make reference to how she could get the job done in the car. SERIOUSLY, is she in cirque du soleil or something? Apparently, because according to my friend this highly flexible lady was able to somehow manage to prop one leg up on the dash while driving to get the job done. Are you kidding me? First of all I don't think I could bend this way if I tried. Second of all, I worry about people looking at me if I adjust my nose ring or pick a booger, the idea of some random person watching me get off, not my thing. Thirdly, Oprah is worried about people talking on the phone and texting while driving... I don't know about you but taking care of business takes a lot more of my attention then talking on the phone or texting. How on earth did this circus freak not crash the car she was driving while getting off. This has to be an urban legend... you know the girl who can masturbate while driving.
So the bottom line is: men masturbate (I am man I get off); women masturbate (we may be coy about it but we all do it). Seriously ladies relax, start talking about it, the more you talk about it, the more fun you will have. And finally if you hear about the circus freak who can get off while driving, just know that whoever it is that knows her is full of it. She is just an urban legend, I mean she has to be, right?
When it comes to masturbation, women are full of shit... Seriously ladies lets be honest with ourselves and our girlfriends. We all do it, most of us have lied about it at one point or another, but we have all done it, and enjoyed it. So face it, if you are the one who continues to tell people that you don't, then you are the one doing it more than anyone else (more power to you but know, we all know that you are doing it and doing it a lot).
When I have talked to my girlfriends about masturbation our conversations have been anything but coy. They have been more along the lines of which vibrators are the best... which get the best battery life, which are the quietest (for those of use with kids who need a quick mommy de-stress moment), waterproof vs. non-water proof, clitoral stimulation vs non-clitoral stimulation... you get my point. When my girlfriends talk masturbation it is shop talk. I suppose it is kind of like a group of guys talking about cars... makes, models, what the ride is like, etc. So why is it so hard for women to talk like this?
As we were talking Thursday night, my friend mention how she had heard some girl make reference to how she could get the job done in the car. SERIOUSLY, is she in cirque du soleil or something? Apparently, because according to my friend this highly flexible lady was able to somehow manage to prop one leg up on the dash while driving to get the job done. Are you kidding me? First of all I don't think I could bend this way if I tried. Second of all, I worry about people looking at me if I adjust my nose ring or pick a booger, the idea of some random person watching me get off, not my thing. Thirdly, Oprah is worried about people talking on the phone and texting while driving... I don't know about you but taking care of business takes a lot more of my attention then talking on the phone or texting. How on earth did this circus freak not crash the car she was driving while getting off. This has to be an urban legend... you know the girl who can masturbate while driving.
So the bottom line is: men masturbate (I am man I get off); women masturbate (we may be coy about it but we all do it). Seriously ladies relax, start talking about it, the more you talk about it, the more fun you will have. And finally if you hear about the circus freak who can get off while driving, just know that whoever it is that knows her is full of it. She is just an urban legend, I mean she has to be, right?
Rings
So once again I find myself having lunch with some friends. We are hanging out, talking, and having a grand old time. As we are talking, one brings up a wedding she recently attended and out of nowhere my other friend shoots out some remark about cock rings. EXCUSE ME, WHAT?! Now keep in both of these girls were born when I was in kindergarten, so I guess I expect some innocence from them. Realistically this is crap because they are both snarky bitches just like me. I mean, that is what I love about them. So of course I have to get the details, I mean you can't just drop a cock ring into a conversation and leave it there with no details.
Apparently, in preparation for the bachelorette party my one friend was attending prior to the wedding, the two made a trip to a local novelty shop. Now I use novelty shop not to be PC about the whole thing, but because this is a chain shop, that is really on the mild end of the whole sex shop experience. It is kind of like the kiddy pool of sex shops. For instance while in college there was a sex shop in town aptly nick-named the wack-shack because it was a seedy hole in the wall porn shop with a back room kind of a place. The place my friends went is not even close. It is well lit, you aren't running for cover hoping no one sees you go in. If you see others inside you don't deliberately avoid eye contact for fear they will cum on you. No, this is clean, with normal well dressed people; people who will make their purchases and discretely get off later. Anyway back to their story...
So as I listen to the girls, they are telling me about how they went in to get one thing, which at this point totally escapes my mind. I honestly have no idea what it was... My one friend says we walked in and I looked up and all I saw was a wall of cock rings. Ok, so I am laughing hysterically at this point. As they are telling me about this I picture to young girls hand in hand staring at the big scary wall of cock rings in horror. I mean wide eyed, mouths open wanting to scream, but the sound won't come out. Again, why do I picture them like this, I'm not really sure but I do, and honestly it makes the whole conversation that much more funny for me. It was sort of like hearing about a friends' first sexual experience. It is kind of awkward, kind of scary, never exactly what you expect. That is exactly what this conversation was like.
So later that week, my Thursday night drink night partner in crime and cock ring bomb dropper went for drinks and continued the conversation. This led me to bring up a conversation I had had some time ago with my bestie from high school about cock rings. Apparently she highly recommends the BUZZY cock ring. I honestly don't know if that is what it is actually called or if that is what she named it because it buzzes, but apparently it is quite good for both partners. So as we talk about this and how cock rings can be useful, especially to those who have have short performances, I mention that cock rings are probably the last form of sex toy that I would experiment with. Now let have a short side bar here to tell my husband: I love you very much so get over having me talk about your penis and our sex life. Ok now that is done, I told her about how keeping it up or keeping it going is the least of our worries. In fact if I could find a way to make it shorter I would be all over that. I mean I love that I can always get 20 minutes of good sex and I do mean good sex, but seriously after a half an hour I start to loose interest. Now I am a very lucky and satisfied woman. My husband has always made sure to take care of me first, but I am just not programmed to go for hours. Yes, I said hours. My friend looked at me like I was crazy, and to be honest most of my friends do when we have this conversation. Yes my husband can go hours he has a horrible recovery time but her can go hours. But as we are talking, we agree hours are not happening. I mean we have things to do...It gets boring...and let's be honest, after a while it can hurt. I know I should stop complaining because I really do have it good. My husband loves me, he loves to have sex, the sex is good, he always makes sure I get off first, second, and third, and he has length and girth on his side, but seriously hours... I can't do it. So cock rings will never be our thing. But for everyone else apparently the buzzy cock ring is the one to try!
Apparently, in preparation for the bachelorette party my one friend was attending prior to the wedding, the two made a trip to a local novelty shop. Now I use novelty shop not to be PC about the whole thing, but because this is a chain shop, that is really on the mild end of the whole sex shop experience. It is kind of like the kiddy pool of sex shops. For instance while in college there was a sex shop in town aptly nick-named the wack-shack because it was a seedy hole in the wall porn shop with a back room kind of a place. The place my friends went is not even close. It is well lit, you aren't running for cover hoping no one sees you go in. If you see others inside you don't deliberately avoid eye contact for fear they will cum on you. No, this is clean, with normal well dressed people; people who will make their purchases and discretely get off later. Anyway back to their story...
So as I listen to the girls, they are telling me about how they went in to get one thing, which at this point totally escapes my mind. I honestly have no idea what it was... My one friend says we walked in and I looked up and all I saw was a wall of cock rings. Ok, so I am laughing hysterically at this point. As they are telling me about this I picture to young girls hand in hand staring at the big scary wall of cock rings in horror. I mean wide eyed, mouths open wanting to scream, but the sound won't come out. Again, why do I picture them like this, I'm not really sure but I do, and honestly it makes the whole conversation that much more funny for me. It was sort of like hearing about a friends' first sexual experience. It is kind of awkward, kind of scary, never exactly what you expect. That is exactly what this conversation was like.
So later that week, my Thursday night drink night partner in crime and cock ring bomb dropper went for drinks and continued the conversation. This led me to bring up a conversation I had had some time ago with my bestie from high school about cock rings. Apparently she highly recommends the BUZZY cock ring. I honestly don't know if that is what it is actually called or if that is what she named it because it buzzes, but apparently it is quite good for both partners. So as we talk about this and how cock rings can be useful, especially to those who have have short performances, I mention that cock rings are probably the last form of sex toy that I would experiment with. Now let have a short side bar here to tell my husband: I love you very much so get over having me talk about your penis and our sex life. Ok now that is done, I told her about how keeping it up or keeping it going is the least of our worries. In fact if I could find a way to make it shorter I would be all over that. I mean I love that I can always get 20 minutes of good sex and I do mean good sex, but seriously after a half an hour I start to loose interest. Now I am a very lucky and satisfied woman. My husband has always made sure to take care of me first, but I am just not programmed to go for hours. Yes, I said hours. My friend looked at me like I was crazy, and to be honest most of my friends do when we have this conversation. Yes my husband can go hours he has a horrible recovery time but her can go hours. But as we are talking, we agree hours are not happening. I mean we have things to do...It gets boring...and let's be honest, after a while it can hurt. I know I should stop complaining because I really do have it good. My husband loves me, he loves to have sex, the sex is good, he always makes sure I get off first, second, and third, and he has length and girth on his side, but seriously hours... I can't do it. So cock rings will never be our thing. But for everyone else apparently the buzzy cock ring is the one to try!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
OMG, BFF, LOL, LMAO, ROFL... Seriously people WTF
Can someone please explain to me the need for all of the abbreviations. I mean I get the need to abbreviate things when texting, it is quicker, less characters, etc. But do we really need to use these things in our daily life. OMG-- Oh my God, ok using the Lords name could be offensive to some, but seriously "OMG can you believe this or that" "OMG he/she was so hot." Really! And is it necessary that I refer to my best friend as my BFF when talking to others. Isn't it enough to say "my friend or my best friend?" Why my BFF? I mean what am I Paris Hilton? I last time I checked I was not a super tall blond bimbo with ginormous feet.
Now on to laughing... LOL, laughing out loud. Sure I do it, and I have texted it, but say it in conversation. LMAO, laughing my ass off, SERIOUSLY! If that were possible I would look like Heidi Klum. Which brings me to ROFL. I actually had to ask a friend if I had this abbreviation right because every time I look at it if reminds me of a dog barking. My friends know that I find humor in most things, and when I laugh it often gets the best of me, but even I cannot remember the last time I was rolling on the floor laughing.
So what the fuck, WTF. When will it all end...
Now on to laughing... LOL, laughing out loud. Sure I do it, and I have texted it, but say it in conversation. LMAO, laughing my ass off, SERIOUSLY! If that were possible I would look like Heidi Klum. Which brings me to ROFL. I actually had to ask a friend if I had this abbreviation right because every time I look at it if reminds me of a dog barking. My friends know that I find humor in most things, and when I laugh it often gets the best of me, but even I cannot remember the last time I was rolling on the floor laughing.
So what the fuck, WTF. When will it all end...
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Etiquette
So a couple of weeks ago I was having lunch with a couple of my girlfriends and we started talking how the weather was getting warmer and it was time to bring out the sandals, skirts, and dresses. Given that winter in the Midwest can feel like winter in Siberia, legs and feet go into hibernation. Prior to spring there are specific grooming needs that must be attended to prior to coming out for spring, namely a pedi and a good leg shaving. So as we show each other our scary cave woman legs we start talking about how we maintain; shaving vs. waxing vs. threading, etc. (Note: the threading discussion was strictly with regards to facial hair. I mean seriously people waxing is torture enough, having to have each individual leg hair pulled out... we can leave that to Dick Cheney who believes in military torture). So as I discuss my need to make an appointment to have my legs waxed prior to Easter (I was planning to wear a skirt) a whole new discussion emerged.
I have had my legs waxed a few times before but it had been years since the last time I had them waxed until this past February. As I shared this with my friends I knew the pending question that was looming in the air. Why did I get them done in February?... "It was my Valentine's Day/ Birthday gift to my husband".... Huh?... "Well I figured if I was going to get my lower bits done I might as well get my legs done as well"... Seriously?... "Yes"... Doesn't that hurt?... "Yes! it hurts a lot, but it has its benefits. I mean I did it as I gift for my husband and low and behold I got a present out of it too (Definitely worth it!)"... So what's the protocol for that, I mean do you shower first?... "I don't know? I did...."
Later that week one of my friends and I went out for drinks and she admitted that she is now very intrigued and may have to go and get waxed. Well this conversation made me think about what is the etiquette for going in to get your wax on. I think the bottom line is, it's the same as you would go through before going to see the gynecologist minus the grooming, because obviously that is why you are there.
But is their other Etiquette, because lets face it, that shit hurts. Can you scream? What do you do if you have to fart? There you are lying on a table having someone spread hot wax on your, in the words of my fav comedian Chelsea Handler, coslopus and then ripping the hair off of it. Pulling your lip this way and that, moving your leg here and there to get a better angle, and finally the creme de la creme the BUTT. Yup, depending on the wax you get the butt is part of the package and let me tell you lying on your side holding your butt cheeks apart is not only highly uncomfortable it is a whole new level of let me show you my bits. On the up side it is the least painful of the whole waxing experience, but clearly the most awkward.
I think the best solution is to have someone you like and who makes you feel comfortable. I got lucky, my first full service wax was done by a pro who kept me talking and laughing the whole time. Despite the posh feel of spa she told me I was free to yell if I needed to, cause she knew it hurt. She let me know when it would hurt the most and when I was almost done. It was kind of like being coached through the whole thing and best of all she was funny. She talked to me about getting into waxing and about how when she started they didn't do the full service wax. She even said that once while in school she left crying and telling her teacher that if she had another pube touch her that did not belong to her or someone she is sleeping with she was going to go crazy. Her humor put me at ease and while it did not ease the pain it made the situation less uncomfortable.
So here is my basic etiquette for waxing:
1. Clean as you would for a trip for to the gynecologist
2. Find someone who makes you feel comfortable because they are going to see all of your junk and then some.
3. Scream if you want, what is the worst that could happen?
4. Be kind and clean you behind.
5. Give notice if you think you are going to fart. There is nothing worst than farting in the face of someone who is inches away wielding wax and ripping out hair in highly sensitive areas (you wouldn't want to piss that person off. And NO I did NOT do this. This is a basic people).
6. Bring baby wipes. They help for the last minute pre-clean and they can be helpful after, especially if you are going somewhere, you tend to be a bit sticky despite the wax remover stuff. It just never seems to get it all.
Have fun girls... Go forth and get waxed!
I have had my legs waxed a few times before but it had been years since the last time I had them waxed until this past February. As I shared this with my friends I knew the pending question that was looming in the air. Why did I get them done in February?... "It was my Valentine's Day/ Birthday gift to my husband".... Huh?... "Well I figured if I was going to get my lower bits done I might as well get my legs done as well"... Seriously?... "Yes"... Doesn't that hurt?... "Yes! it hurts a lot, but it has its benefits. I mean I did it as I gift for my husband and low and behold I got a present out of it too (Definitely worth it!)"... So what's the protocol for that, I mean do you shower first?... "I don't know? I did...."
Later that week one of my friends and I went out for drinks and she admitted that she is now very intrigued and may have to go and get waxed. Well this conversation made me think about what is the etiquette for going in to get your wax on. I think the bottom line is, it's the same as you would go through before going to see the gynecologist minus the grooming, because obviously that is why you are there.
But is their other Etiquette, because lets face it, that shit hurts. Can you scream? What do you do if you have to fart? There you are lying on a table having someone spread hot wax on your, in the words of my fav comedian Chelsea Handler, coslopus and then ripping the hair off of it. Pulling your lip this way and that, moving your leg here and there to get a better angle, and finally the creme de la creme the BUTT. Yup, depending on the wax you get the butt is part of the package and let me tell you lying on your side holding your butt cheeks apart is not only highly uncomfortable it is a whole new level of let me show you my bits. On the up side it is the least painful of the whole waxing experience, but clearly the most awkward.
I think the best solution is to have someone you like and who makes you feel comfortable. I got lucky, my first full service wax was done by a pro who kept me talking and laughing the whole time. Despite the posh feel of spa she told me I was free to yell if I needed to, cause she knew it hurt. She let me know when it would hurt the most and when I was almost done. It was kind of like being coached through the whole thing and best of all she was funny. She talked to me about getting into waxing and about how when she started they didn't do the full service wax. She even said that once while in school she left crying and telling her teacher that if she had another pube touch her that did not belong to her or someone she is sleeping with she was going to go crazy. Her humor put me at ease and while it did not ease the pain it made the situation less uncomfortable.
So here is my basic etiquette for waxing:
1. Clean as you would for a trip for to the gynecologist
2. Find someone who makes you feel comfortable because they are going to see all of your junk and then some.
3. Scream if you want, what is the worst that could happen?
4. Be kind and clean you behind.
5. Give notice if you think you are going to fart. There is nothing worst than farting in the face of someone who is inches away wielding wax and ripping out hair in highly sensitive areas (you wouldn't want to piss that person off. And NO I did NOT do this. This is a basic people).
6. Bring baby wipes. They help for the last minute pre-clean and they can be helpful after, especially if you are going somewhere, you tend to be a bit sticky despite the wax remover stuff. It just never seems to get it all.
Have fun girls... Go forth and get waxed!
Waiting
Ok, so I know that I am notorious for being late. I was always late for school growing up (hmmm I wonder where Monkey gets it), I am late to meet friends, late pick up Monkey from school, late to the doctor, late to parties, and at times late for work. Ok, so you get the idea, I am late. Well despite this nasty habit, I hate having to wait. Perhaps this is why I am late. Maybe I have rationalized that if I am late then I won't have to wait as long when I get there... Maybe but I doubt it. Really I think it is just the fact that I run around like a crazy blur trying to get my shit together in the morning or prior to whatever event I happen to be attending. At any rate, today I had to drive about 45 minutes to go see a client, a client I see every week at the same time, and have seen on this day and at this time for the past 4 or 5 months. Well, today I am done earlier than normal with the clients that I see prior to this one because one cancelled, so I called to see if we could move up the time. No answer. No worries, I go to get lunch. I call again to touch base, again no answer. After I finish lunch, and I am heading back to the client's home, I call again to let her know I will be there in about 15 min (which is the regularly scheduled time), still no answer. I call again when I get there...no answer, again 10 min later...no answer, and again 10 min later...STILL NO ANSWER. So then since I have her grandmother's phone number I decided to call her and low and behold she is there and has been there all day (mind you I called there earlier this morning). And why is she not at her house for her appointment? No reason. AHHHHH! Seriously people the number one way to piss me off is to make me drive the middle of nowhere and then not show up. Now I get that I may sound like a hypocrite but I always show up, I may be late but I show. And if I am not going to show, I call.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Symphony
Generally when I think of music I think of things with a melody; at a minimum I think of something with a tune. Right now music for me is Kings of Leon, Muse, Lily Allen, DMB, Sarah McLachlan, etc. However, tonight I was introduced to a symphonic range of snoring that was so continuous, so repetitive, so rhythmic, and so loud I could not believe my ears. I honestly don't know how this woman sleeps without an APAP machine because she must have made choking snoring noises about 10 times in a 45 minute period. Beyond that how do her husband and son sleep with all of that noise. So now I wonder, if you recorded her each night and you cut the tracks together, do you think you could actually make a song? Interesting taught.
Tardy
Ok so my daily, or at least my Monday through Friday frustration is getting Monkey, my 7 year old son to school. While my Monkey is the apple of my eye he is also a big pain in my ass. Monkey, as I said is 7 years old and has ADHD, and unfortunately like his mom is not a morning person. Therefore getting to school in the morning is the BANE of my existence. Every morning is the same routine. "Monkey get up" again five minutes later, ten minutes later, YELLING fifteen minutes later. RUSH, RUSH, RUSH... Finally dressed, taking his medicine, and eating breakfast. "Monkey go brush your teeth, go to the bathroom, and wash your hands." Five minutes later. "Are you done yet?" "Almost." So I go up and check on him and is he brushing his teeth? NO he is playing with water in the sink. SERIOUSLY!!! YELLING, YELLING, YELLING!... "Monkey go get your shoes on" "OK". Does this happen of course not. Instead I get, crying "I can't get my shoes because the floor (the tile) is too cold and I can't reach them (in the shoe cubbie from the carpet)." CRYING, CRYING, CRYING... Finally we have the shoes are on and we are out the door. We have 2 minutes to get to school unfortunately we live about 5 minutes away, but to make matters more annoying there is road construction going on on the direct route we take to school and a different portion of the route is closed every day. Very annoying construction workers especially when one is running late for school with their pokie 7 year old. Grrrr.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Inspiration
So those who know me know that I love to rant. Well actually I bitch, and I bitch about everything. I am a snarky bitch and damn proud of it. So I often find myself annoyed by the idiocy of people. Don't get my wrong I am often highly entertained by these morons but regardless I feel the need to bitch about it. Over the last few weeks I have found myself considering blogging, but I have never really understood the blogging craze. I mean whenever I have something to say, or to bitch or rant about then I just call someone up and bitch about it, why would I need to sit and write about. Well then I started thinking about all the times that I can't just call someone up or those topics that you just aren't sure of how to broach with certain friend and then I realized just how much fun blogging could be. So here I go...
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